


Beyond the Fall

by tactical_nuclear_penguin



Series: The story of Gaz Shepard [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Indoctrination Theory, Post Mass Effect 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-13
Updated: 2013-03-13
Packaged: 2017-12-05 05:07:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 24,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/719208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tactical_nuclear_penguin/pseuds/tactical_nuclear_penguin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following the Indoctrination Theory - following what happened after the events of Mass Effect 3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The End

'We're almost there. We just need to reach the beam.'  
Her feet beat upon the ground beneath her – heart pounding in her chest. This was it. They had to reach the beam to get into the Citadel. They had to beat the Reapers. She had no idea what would happen once she reached that beam. Maybe it was a trick from the Reapers and they would all perish upon touching it. They were being fired at by Harbinger now. She watched men disintegrate in front of her – dying too fast to even scream in pain. Gaz dove to the side as another shot was fired at them. More men died around her. Almost there now. Her entire life had led up to this exact point in time. She had to finish this. There wasn't another choice. 

Gaz stared at the blue beam. It close now. So close. Only a few more seconds and she'd be there. She quickly glanced up at the Reaper as she ran. The woman's feet froze in place as she covered her eyes from the blinding light.

There was a loud, deep screeching noise, and everything went dark.  
She heard voices. Harbinger was dead. No one survived. A high-pitched ring distorted the sounds which formed into words. A dull ache grew into a sharp one. Gaz opened her eyes. 

The beam was right there. She just had to move a little more. Forcing herself to her feet, she moved toward the beam, taking a gun that lay at her side, with her. She glanced down at herself, noticing the blood staining most of her clothes and skin. One of her arms was severely burned. Breathing was difficult. Thinking hurt. She was going to die – but at least she could die after she completed this one last task. Just this one thing and she could finally stop. Stop with all this nonsense. Stop having the pressure of the entire galaxy on her. Shepard was tired. But she couldn't sleep yet.

Limping forward, she felt a bullet graze her burnt arm. A Marauder was guarding the beam. She fired at the creature – noticing it take more damage than it should have. Each shot rung like a bell in her ear. 

The creature fell as she moved towards the light. Her legs gave out, crashing her to the ground. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Carefully she stood again and made her way to the beam.

A rushing sensation filled her – a white light blinded her.  
Suddenly, she was on the Citadel – Anderson's voice speaking to her.  
'How did he know I was up here?' she wondered as she responded to his calls, 'How the hell did he get up here?'

Bodies littered what she assumed was the Citadel – however the more she looked, the less it felt like the galactic governmental center. Parts looked like the Collector Base and the Shadow Broker’s ship. She even picked out a few other ships in this area's design. She continued moving through the bodies, talking to Anderson through every step. He was the only thing keeping her going, now. The pain had grown to a dull noise in the back of her head. Every time she blinked, she was afraid she would lose consciousness.

She was being...guided by this strange section of the Citadel. The only way was forward. Somehow Anderson was ahead of her, though he claimed to have been beamed up at the same time. But...she hadn’t seen him near the beam at all - and it was a fair distance walk for the injured woman.

None of this was making sense.  
Or maybe it was, and her brain wasn't connecting the necessary dots, due to internal bleeding.

She coughed, sending blood splattering to the ground, as she moved into a large chamber. Anderson was already there. This place seemed...familiar. Had she been here before?  
Anderson looked injured, but was still functioning at a higher level than her. How had he managed to avoid so much damage? Had he even been running towards the beam with the rest of the team?  
'No...he wasn't,' she realized, as she moved towards him. Her head was pounding. None of this made sense.

Then the Illusive Man joined them. His face peeling back to reveal the extent of his cybernetics. He wanted to control the Reapers. But how did he get here? Did the Reapers just let him walk in? Shepard's eyes studied the man as he ranted and raved about how right he was, and how wrong they were.

Then he controlled Shepard. While she watched his hands glow with a biotic blue, this felt different. It wasn't her hands being forced – it was the thought itself that was forced into her mind. To aim the gun at Anderson. To fire. Gaz was scared. None of this was making sense. How was he controlling her like this? She tried to talk him down – convincing him he was indoctrinated. He sounded like Saren. Like he was able to beat it just by being himself. He then lifted his weapon and fired into his own skull, before falling to the ground. Shepard felt a shaky sense of deja vu flood through her. It wasn't as though the situations were similar – it was the issue that they were the same. The way his body fell. The placement and type of pistol. It was the same.

With the few presses, the arms of the Citadel opened. Gaz sat herself next to Anderson, and glanced down at his wound, then at her own. They each had a hole in their stomach in about the same place. The exact place where Shepard had been forced to shoot him. Her mind attempted to process the thought for a moment, but quickly gave up.

He said he was proud of her.

He was one of the few men who fought his entire life. He was like her in many ways. Hell - he’s what made her to begin with. If he hadn’t quite literally picked her off the streets, they might already both have been dead. 

While she craved nothing more than an eternal nap from this life, she knew he deserved it more. He was in pain – and she wanted him to feel nothing. Finally to close his eyes and go to that bar that Garrus talked about. 

Anderson's head slumped to the side, causing a slight smile to tug at Gaz's bleeding lips.  
'I'll be joining you soon, Anderson. Save me a seat and order me something green.'  
A radio call from Hackett brought her back to reality. Something still wasn't functioning. It was on her end. Gaz let out a frustrated sigh. Couldn't they just let her die already? She had earned it. Saved the entire fucking galaxy three times now. Cured the genophage, gave the quarians back their homeworld, and brought the quarians and geth together. What more did she have to do? She crawled forward – her face feeling flush. Every movement sent various unpleasant signals to her mind. She was nearly at the console now. It just...hurt. She had died once before and knew the feeling. Gaz was nearly there. The platform she was on suddenly lifted, bringing her up to a part of the Citadel she was certain didn't exist.

The little boy who had haunted her dreams stood before her in the form of some sort of hologram. VI, perhaps? 

He explained the Reapers to her as she stood. Somehow her death had been postponed – the pain she felt was muted. She had been on Death's door only seconds ago – yet now she was capable of speech and standing. And thought.

His explanation made little sense. Create synthetics to kill organics so synthetics don't kill the organics? Then there was something about letting new life grow – which sort of made sense. Gaz continued to watch the boy, as he set the options before her – because apparently saving the galaxy was a multiple choice test.

She could either take control of the Reapers – an option that oddly glowed blue – or destroy all synthetic life – that option glowed red. Either way, everything would be destroyed but life would have a chance.

Gaz narrowed her eyes, as a thought waved over her – sending a chill down her body.  
"You aren't real."  
"Real is a subjective term. Is an AI more real than an organic life?"  
"You look like that little boy," Gaz's mind shifted uncomfortably, making speaking difficult, "Anderson couldn't even see you when I tried to get you out of the vent shaft. You were never real..." Gaz continued to grip the gun that never ran out of ammunition, her head shaking, "No one else took notice to you when you were in the landing zone when I left Earth. Everyone would notice a scared looking little boy. No one even glanced at you."

The hologram remained silent – though the options appeared to glow brighter.  
"This...this isn't real..." Gaz's voice broke, her mind washing several thoughts, "This...this is the Reapers in my head. You're trying to indoctrinate me. Anderson was what part of my mind that's clean – Illusive Man the contaminated part. You're...still trying to trick me with the colors. Blue means good, but it means selling myself to the Reapers. Becoming the 'Reaper hive-mind.' That's indoctrination!"

"You're mistaken. This is real. This is your choice."  
"Saving the galaxy can't boil down to two choices after this long. This means..." emotion ran over her, causing her to pause, "this would mean that everything I've done is for nothing. That I could have just skipped to this point after taking one step into the Normandy and this wouldn't end any different."  
"You're mistaken."  
Gaz began limping towards the red glowing 'destroy' option, her hand gripping the weapon within her hand.  
"You will be destroying all synthetics by doing that," the holographic child warned.  
"Kindly fuck off."  
Gaz raised her weapon and fired repeatedly into the cylinder which conveniently destroyed all synthetic life, somehow – as well as the Mass Effect Relays for no real reason.  
The pain suddenly returned, causing her to fall to the ground. An explosion shot out of the cylinder, turning the air around her hot and causing it to ripple and burn. Gaz finally closed her eyes, ready to welcome death. She wasn't sure what just happened, but was growing more eager to meet Anderson in that bar in the sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey it's the end of ME3!  
> That was really intense to write - not gonna lie.  
> Anyway, welcome to the fanfic - there's an open bar and cookies just to your left.   
> This story will be covering post-ME3 events and such. The next chapter will cover what happened in ME3 itself.  
> Oh - this is also me bringing over work from other site(s) - so the posting is only limited by how quickly I can edit. This story is a lot shorter than it's companion, After, so enjoy!


	2. Dreams

_"Is that her?"_  
 _"No way she's alive."_  
 _"We got a pulse. Only just."_  
  
–  
  
"Shepard...are you okay?"  
Gaz stared up at the scarred face of Garrus. It was strange for him to be asking. He took a missile to the face and Shepard took a planet to the body – yet neither one of them had ever spoken that phrase to the other.  
  
"I've been better," she admitted, as a call over the makeshift refugee camp summoned a very specific person to the front desk.  
"They've put you under a lot of pressure."  
"Just a bit."  
Garrus took a deep breath, shaking his head, "It's really not right. We've been warning them about this for years – now suddenly – bam – the Reapers are here. And to repay us for telling them the truth, they feel the need to throw us in charge."  
"Yeah...we really didn't win this one, did we?"  
"Not at all."  
  
Gaz laughed under her breath, leaning back on what she assumed was once a storage container – arms crossing her chest, "I can't wait for this to be over."  
"Plans?"  
"I'm going to not save the galaxy anymore. If it gets in peril, there has to be someone else."  
"We're getting too old for this."  
"Damn straight. I want to sit on my ass and accomplish nothing."  
"Didn't you do that for a few months on Earth?"  
"Mostly on house arrest during that time – plus constant trials that kept trying to throw me in prison. Plus I was helping Joker go through rehab most of that time."  
"I can see all that taking the edge off a bit. What happened to Joker? I heard he was nearly killed, but none of the details."  
  
Gaz's eyes dropped and she shrugged, "A misunderstanding at a bar."  
"Ouch."  
"Yeah."  
"Turian? Salarian? Quarian? Krogan?"  
"Human."  
"Know him?"  
Gaz shifted uncomfortably, "Uh..."  
"It was Kaidan, wasn't it?"  
Shepard shifted her view to another turian who was limping by the area.  
"That jealous bastard."  
Gaz's eyes shot back to Garrus, "How...?"  
"Gaz, I've known you for a long time. I can see when you become...how to humans phrase it? Smitten? With another."  
The Commander awkwardly scratched her arm, "Is it that obvious?"  
"No. I'm just observant," Garrus' mandibles moved into what she had learned was a turian smile.  
"Ah."  
"Shepard...just try not to lose yourself in all of this. It's easy to just go with the motions and stop enjoying the little things. As dark as this sounds, this could easily be our final days...so try to enjoy them."  
"I will...thanks Garrus."  
"Anytime, Shepard."  
  
–  
  
 _"She's alive!"_  
 _"There's no way!"_  
 _"Get her to the hospital! We don't have much time."_  
  
–  
  
"Shepard...you came."  
Gaz entered the room, as Kaidan glanced over at her with bruised eyes.  
"Yeah. I did."  
"I'm glad you did. My only visitor was some...drell."  
"That's Thane. He worked with me to stop the Collectors."  
"What's he doing here?"  
"He's...dying."  
"I'm...sorry."  
"How are you holding up?"  
"Considering I had my head bashed in by a killer robot – not half bad."  
  
Gaz laughed under her breath.  
"I...didn't get a chance to ask this before it all went to hell. How are you? It's...been awhile."  
"Yeah it has been."  
"How are things with Joker?"  
"Good. Since we're both Alliance now, we have to keep it secret, though. It's against regs."  
"Yeah...I won't tell anyone."  
"Thanks,” Shepard paused, staring out of the large window behind Kaidan, before refocusing on the man, “How's your amp? The killer-robot sort of...slammed it into a shuttle."  
"Yeah – it got pretty rattled. I'm not allowed to do biotics for a while."  
"That's got to be difficult."  
"Yeah.  
"When you get out of here...do you want to come back to the Normandy?"  
"If I can, and you'll allow me – yes."  
"I know we have a...strange past, but we need everyone on board for this mission. Plus it's always nice to have people around who knew me before the galaxy decided to turn me into a goddamned hero."  
  
Kaidan laughed under his breath, shaking his head gently, "Ah – please never change Gaz."  
"I died and I'm still the slightly psychotic soldier that everyone listens to for whatever reason. So no plans."  
Kaidan nodded, before wincing.  
"Are you alright?"  
"Yeah...well no. I get dizzy really easily. I should probably sleep."  
"Alright. Message me whenever you get lonely. It seems like I'm on the Citadel every-other day. Most likely I'll stop by."  
A smile spread across Kaidan's face, "I'd like that."  
"See you around, Major."  
"You're not going to let that drop, are you? See you, Shepard."  
  
–  
  
 _"We're losing her!"_  
 _"Get a transfusion in here now!"_  
 _"We don't have time!"_  
 _"She dies if we don't!"_  
  
–  
  
"The Normandy missed you."  
Kaidan shrugged and leaned back on the couch within the observation deck, "You know every time you've saved the galaxy so far, the Normandy has been altered somehow."  
"Yeah...I noticed that," Gaz smiled, leaning her back against the wall in the Starboard Observatory.  
  
"I...saw the wall of names by the elevator on the crew-deck. Missed that before the incident on Mars. It's...I'm glad it was put up. They should not be forgotten."  
Gaz crossed her arms across her chest, "Yeah."  
"Do...you ever miss Ash?"  
A troubled look crossed Gaz's features, "Of course I do," she covered part of her face with her hand. The memory of the woman's death seemed particularly potent, causing a wave of emotion to wash over her.  
  
"Gaz..." Kaidan stood from the couch and approached her – placing a gentle hand on her shoulder, "Are you alright?"  
The Commander lowered her hand and sighed, "I'm just growing tired of all this pressure. I think I'm starting to crack."  
"Gaz..."  
"Repeating my name doesn't comfort me, asshole."  
A smile slid across Kaidan's features, as he squeezed her shoulder, "I worry about you..." he whispered, as her light-brown eyes glanced down at his hair.  
"How do you still have a space mullet?"  
"That was a serious moment, Shepard."  
"Do you not have a mirror?"  
"Shepard-"  
"It just...pokes out in the back. Like it's trying to escape. I have scissors in my cabin. I can fix this."  
"You're avoiding the problem."  
"Or a razor. I'm sure someone has one."  
"Gaz."  
"What?" her voice aggressive, as she pushed his hand off of her shoulder, "What do you want?"  
"You're running from your problems, again."  
"So what if I am? I constantly have headaches now. Dreams of a dying little boy with dead crew-mates' voices calling me in the background. Every. God. Damned. Night. Why can't I just pretend things are normal for once?"  
  
Kaidan furrowed his brows, and took a step towards the Commander – his hand outstretched. Shepard took a step away from him, as the door opened behind her.  
"I...oh...awkward. Hi everyone," Joker waved at them, "I should...be going. Sorry. I was just looking for Shepard."  
"I'm coming with you," Gaz sighed, turning away from Kaidan as she followed the pilot out of the room.  
"I didn't mean to interrupt," Joker scratched his neck, as they walked to the elevator, "I thought you were alone over there. EDI somehow forgot to mention Kaidan was there too."  
"It's fine."  
The elevator door separated them from the crew deck, as Gaz leaned her head against the wall.  
Without a word, Joker pulled at her sleeve until she turned to him – her eyes confused. Silently, he pulled her into a hug, as the elevator carried them to her cabin. She rested her head on his shoulder, seeking more comfort than she should have within his arms. The door opened, revealing Liara leaning against Shepard's door holding a datapad – her eyes growing wide at the sight.  
"I...oh."  
Gaz pulled back from the hug and glared in the general direction of the asari, "Do you need something, Liara?" she asked, pretending nothing unusual had happened.  
"I...uh...I can come back another time, Shepard. I did not mean to intrude," her bright blue eyes darting to Joker – who casually waved at her.  
"It's fine Liara. What do you need?" Gaz's voice carried an oddly mellowed tone, causing Liara to raise one of her thin brows at the Commander.  
"I believe I left a data-pad up here when I visited last?" she half asked, as Joker leaned on the wall beside the elevator.  
"Right. I meant to give that back to you. Sorry – been busy saving the galaxy."  
"Oh, Shepard, I understand. It's why I came up here personally rather than sending you another message to fill up your already active inbox."  
"Wait here. I'll grab it for you."  
Gaz disappeared into her room, leaving Joker and Liara alone. Though the door was closed, Shepard could still hear their idle chat as she searched for the data-pad.  
"So...you and Shepard are-?"  
"Hugging in an elevator."  
"No. I meant with your relationship with her."  
"I know."  
"But..."  
"I'm fucking with you Liara."  
"I know and I just want a straight answer."  
"Information brokers are the worst gossips."  
"I find that accusation insulting, Joker."  
"I know. That's why I said it. Man...I wish your hair moved. Or like...wiggled when you were angry. That would make right now really awesome."  
"Please stop talking."  
"Or maybe you could like...shoot ink out of it like a squid when angry. Now that would be amazing."  
"I'm no longer a part of this conversation."  
"But I was just getting to the good part..."  
"Your aversion to simple questions, Joker, makes any sort of conversation with you impossible."  
"Or amazing."  
"Impossible. You're not going to tell me why you're up here with Shepard, are you?"  
"It's more fun this way."  
Gaz exited her room and handed Liara the data-pad, "If you must know, I brought Joker up here to teach him rugby."  
"The violent high-contact Earth sport? That would shatter him! I-" Liara froze, before her eyes narrowed, "I give up. You win. I will leave now."  
  
–  
  
 _"Her brain activity is too low. She might be gone."_  
 _"Everything else is holding fast. She will recover."_  
 _"I don't think the human body can take this much abuse and bounce back."_  
  
–  
  
"Shepard, I have a few questions."  
Gaz studied EDI's new body before her, and shook her head, "Could you like...put on some pants or something?"  
"If it makes you and the crew more comfortable, I can accommodate, Shepard. Though this body has none of the features which humans cover with clothing."  
"I could let you borrow some of my clothes...though your metal boobs would stretch them out," Gaz made slight hand motions to demonstrate her point.  
"I do not have 'boobs', Shepard. This body only mimics the human female form."  
"Right. You had a question?"  
"Yes. Jeff has been displaying...feelings towards me, and I am unsure how to reciprocate."  
Gaz rolled her lips in, feeling a pang of jealousy, "Has he now?"  
"I fear he is growing more emotionally attached to me, now that I have a body that resembles the human form."  
"EDI...you're a machine."  
"You...are right Shepard. My scans and analysis may have been incorrect. I shall reanalyze."  
Guilt rolled over Gaz, "I...no."  
"That phrase does not make sense in any of my registered languages, Shepard."  
"If he has any feelings towards you, they are most likely friendly...because he and I are--"  
"I'm aware of everything that happens on this ship, Shepard."  
"Right. That's not creepy at all."  
"I am aware of Jeff visiting you in your-"  
Gaz quickly held a finger over her lips as an officer walked by. Gently grabbing EDI's arm, she led them to the airlock and closed the door.  
"I do not understand, Shepard."  
"Joker and I have been involved for awhile now and now that we're both in the Alliance again, it's against regs."  
"So you do not wish other crewmates to know of your intimate relationship with Jeff."  
"Exactly."  
"I'll do my best to divert the crew's attention to your intimate relationship with Jeff, Shepard."  
"Thank you, EDI. And as for Joker – he's just excited he gets a friend who has a body. Just keep being how you are and you'll grow closer."  
"Thank you for your advice, Shepard."  
  
–  
  
 _"She's coming-to."_  
 _"Easy now...she could easily spike and we'd lose her."_  
 _"Shepard? Can you hear me?"_  
 _"Heart rate is increasing. We need to put her back down."_  
 _"Shepard? Can you hear me?"_  
 _"She's spiking! Sedate her now!"_  
  
–  
  
Joker's lips pressed against hers. Tomorrow she'd have to fight the Reapers with the entire Galaxy at her side. Tomorrow was it. Joker had come in with a bunch of classic science fiction movies, tv shows, and various forms of junk-food he had acquired with the help of EDI on the Citadel.  
  
He pulled back and pulled her onto his shoulder as the vid played. It was a television series from hundreds of years ago, called Firefly. Shepard had seen a few episodes here and there – but thanks to Joker's love of the pilot – he was determined to change that.  
"Just don't watch the movie," he informed, idly playing with the material on the sleeve of the shoulder his hand rested on, as she leaned on his shoulder, "Or any of the times they try to bring the series back. Just...don't."  
"Good to know."  
A moment passed as they watched Mal kick ass and Wash play with dinosaurs.  
"You're scared shitless about tomorrow, aren't you?" Joker broke the silence, leaning down to kiss her forehead.  
"Yeah."  
He turned towards her, placing a hand on either shoulder.  
"Gaz...you're Commander Motherfucking Shepard."  
"I didn't know that was my middle name."  
"Well – it is. You survive everything."  
"But this...this is different."  
"How?"  
"These guys are the enemies that have been controlling everything up to this point, Joker. The Collectors and Saren were their pawns. One of their pawns killed me."  
  
Joker pulled her into a hug, placing a hand on the back of her head. She rested her face on his shoulder – expression blank. Gaz had been slowly cracking since Earth was attacked.  
  
"I don't want to do tomorrow," she realized, "I'm going to retire and find a planet with life that's too low to be eaten by the Reapers, and hang out with them. Hopefully they'll have a beach. I can study some seashells for a friend."  
Joker pulled her away from his shoulder, studying her expression, "We'll do that the day after tomorrow. How does that sound?"  
"We're going to die, Joker. At least me."  
"No – don't say that."  
"I've already accepted it."  
An unreadable expression washed over Joker's face, causing Gaz to frown, "What...what is it?" she asked, pulling at his blue SR2 hat.  
"I don't want to lose you."  
  
Gaz pulled him into a kiss, as Joker wrapped his arms around her in a protective fashion.  
It felt like everyone just wanted to throw her in harms way. Everyone but Joker seemed to want her dead. Apparently, even herself. In his arms, she felt safe – as if his presence somehow guarded her from the evils of the next day. He returned her kisses with equal passion to her own, causing her heart to pound heavily in her chest. Carefully, she pulled him to his feet, smiling at him.  
"I don't care what the crew thinks. Stay with me tonight."  
  
–  
  
 _"Can...can she hear me?"_  
 _"There has been much debate whether coma patients can hear you, Jeff. I like to think some part of them can."_  
 _"Gaz...I hope you can hear me..."_  
  
–  
  
Joker's lips pressed against her neck. Her body ached for him as he held her. Clothing was scattered around the room, leaving them both bare. Joker paused to watch her for a moment, causing Gaz to lean her head to the side.  
"What?"  
"I love you."  
A smile tugged at her lips, "I love you too," she whispered, running her hand along his bearded cheek. With one movement, he slid inside her – hands on either side of her head. Shepard gasped, as he leaned forward to kiss her – his hips starting slow.  
Gaz watched him study her as she reacted to his movements. After their first time intimate, she had learned how much he enjoyed just watching her react. It was nearly as important as the 'not wearing pants' part, to him. He increased in speed, causing the man to close his eyes and let out a deep breath. Gaz rocked her hips forward to meet his movement halfway. Joker smiled as a small gasp escaped. Her arms wrapped around his back, as a pressure built inside her. His lips moved to her neck, as he increased his speed even more – angling himself in a slightly different fashion, to purposely hit that special place inside her. Gaz's breathing increased, her return-movement grew in force. Joker pulled away from her neck to watch her. She bit down on her bottom lip as she reached the edge. Pushing himself to his physical limit, Joker increased in speed even more, throwing Gaz right over the edge. She bucked slightly, and gasped – sending a smile across his features – before he released a controlled breath. Watching her orgasm always put him fairly close to finishing, and Gaz knew it. With a very practiced motion, she rolled on top, and Joker braced his back against the wall. It was a difficult angle to work with – but they always saved it for the end on purpose. Joker leaned his head back against the wall, as she moved. His hands traced her body, as his breathing increased. Gaz lifted a hand that was previously braced beside him, to cup his face, before kissing him lightly. He was getting that odd 'troubled' look in his eyes, which he always got when he was close. Shepard lifted herself higher – making each motion run the entirety of his shaft. He was a fan of the feeling of penetration, so she gave it to him. His grip rested on her waist, and he took another deep breath. He was growing more vocal now. Joker was so stoic during sex. He normally only made small noises until the very end. He was slightly gasping now, his green eyes studying her face – letting her know he was moments from being done.  
  
Gaz angled her body slightly differently and slid off, then back on a few times, before rocking her hips in a forward and backward motion, rather than up and down. Joker sharply rocked his hips forward, and grunt escaping between his lips, as his eyes closed. He panted slightly, as she gently climbed off, and lay beside him.  
"You are an amazing distraction," she whispered, kissing him lightly on the forehead.  
"I've lost feeling in my extremities. Is that normal?"  
She laughed, resting her head on his shoulder.  
  
–  
  
"Commander? Blink quickly twice if you can hear me."  
"No response. She's basically a vegetable, Chakwas. No one can go through that and retain brain function. It's a miracle she's even breathing."  
"You clearly don't know Shepard."  
"Yes, yes – I know. War hero. She's still human. She still takes a beating like everyone else."  
"Shepard? Gaz? Can you hear me?"  
"Heart rate holding steady. Brain activity normal."  
Light brown eyes stared blankly at the ceiling.  
"Commander Giselle Shepard. Blink twice."  
The light-brown eyes jumped to the gray-haired doctor who was leaning over the bed.  
Her lids quickly closed and opened.  
Twice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LONG CHAPTER IS LONG. Okay so italics are reality and non italics are flashbacks to ME3. The only exception is at the very end with Chakwas and blinking. That's reality. I thought it would be nice to clear up some events of ME3, while having this story take place post-ME3. Also I can write Joker and Liara talking forever.


	3. Back to reality

Knees pulled against her chest, Gaz sat within her cabin on the Normandy – a blank expression crawling across her freckled features. Her chin rested atop her knees, as her arms wrapped around them.  
A knock at her door.  
  
"Enter."  
"Hey."  
"Kaidan?"  
"How are you holding up?"  
"Can...you come back later? I'm really not in the mood for visitors."  
"Gaz..."  
"What?" her voice defensive, "Why do you always do that?"  
"Do what?"  
"Say my name in a low voice implying a dot-dot-dot after it."  
"It's called an ellipsis, and it's normally me vocalizing my concern for you."  
"Smart-ass."  
"Hey – I brought you wine."  
Gaz lifted her eyes to see the bottle in his hands.  
"What are you up to, Alenko?" her voice curious.  
"Within only a few days, you went through the deaths of two people I've heard you were close with."  
"I added their names to the wall."  
"I saw," Kaidan entered the room and located Gaz's wine glasses, carefully filling two, before setting one in front of her.  
"Get the sad girl drunk. Good plan, Major," Gaz took a long drink of her wine.  
"I figured you could do with a bit of a distraction and something to take the edge off."  
"So we can stop saving the galaxy and take a vacation? Let's go to the beach."  
Kaidan laughed under his breath as he took a drink of his wine, "I'm sorry Gaz, I don't think the Reapers will wait as we take some much needed shore-leave."  
"Fuck the Reapers. They're assholes who break everything."  
Kaidan frowned – appearing to study her, "Have you been sleeping well?"  
"What an oddly specific question."  
"I'm just worried about you."  
"No I haven't been sleeping. I keep having nightmares."  
"Tell me about it."  
"Why?"  
"Because maybe it'll help."  
"Fine. I'm...running through this dark forest. The kid from when we were leaving Earth, is running around in the distance."  
"What kid?"  
"The one who climbed into one of the Alliance shuttles? He was killed by a Reaper beam."  
"Damn. I must have missed that. Sorry – continue."  
"I'm chasing the child. And there are these...shadows. Calling my name. Some of the voices I recognize. Mordin. Thane. Ash. Jenkins. Pressly."  
  
Kaidan crossed his arms – dark eyes studying her.  
"When I reach the kid, I hear the Reaper sound, and he stops and stares past me. Then...he burns."  
"Burns?"  
"That thing that happens when people catch on fire."  
"Oh."  
"Sometimes I can see myself with him – holding him. Other times he's by himself. I have that dream every single night."  
"So you haven't been sleeping?"  
"No."  
Kaidan refilled their wine glasses, shaking his head, "I hate to see you crack like this, Gaz. I think the galaxy has finally put too much pressure on you," he reached for her hand, but she pulled it away.  
"Fuck you. I can handle myself fine."  
"Gaz..."  
"Kaidan..." her tone mocking, eyes narrowed.  
The door opened, causing Kaidan to freeze and Gaz to lean forward in curiosity.  
"Okay, I have a plan that will make everything ever better. I-"  
Joker froze as he got to the bottom of the stairs – eyes glued to Kaidan, before sliding to the wine glasses.  
"Kaidan."  
"Joker."  
"Wrex," Gaz mumbled under her breath, her mind drifting to how she and the Krogan always greeted each other.  
"Uh..." Joker scratched his neck, before he glanced back at Gaz's heavily populated fish tank – an eel staring him down.  
"I should go," Kaidan mumbled in an agitated tone, taking the wine bottle with him, as he stood and headed for the door. Before leaving, he paused, "Feel better Gaz. I'm always here if you need anything."  
“No - don’t take the alcohol,” Shepard whined, reaching towards Kaidan as he exited her cabin.  
As the door closed, Joker turned toward Gaz – his expression unreadable.  
"Well I had a plan."  
"What's your plan?"  
"What the hell, Gaz?"  
The Commander pulled her knees close to her chest again, taking the same pose as earlier, "What?"  
"Drinking wine alone with your ex-squeeze. Oh I wonder what's bothering Joker!"  
Her eyes darted to the ground, "It's not like that."  
"Really? I know Kaidan. I know why he was here. I know what he wants. It's all," he made a grand hand motion, "about you."  
"I was just using him for his free alcohol," she whispered, a smirk pulling at her features, before she frowned, “Then the asshole took it with him.”  
Joker smiled and shook his head, as he wandered toward the couch area of the cabin and sat next to her – grabbing a mostly empty glass of wine and sniffing it.  
"Uhg...he brought you this?"  
"Yup."  
"It smells like perfume."  
"It tastes like it too. I wasn't breathing through my nose so I could just absorb the alcohol without the taste."  
Joker laughed quietly, shaking his head, as he put his arm around Gaz.  
"So your plan?" she asked, gently leaning her head on his shoulder.  
Joker reached behind him and pulled out two rectangular cases.  
"Where the hell did you pull those out of?"  
"Not important. But I brought you video games."  
"Video games?"  
"I brought you Dragon Age," he bumped the case gently against her chest, as a smile tugged at his lips.  
"Dragon Age?"  
"It's a bit of an action RP game. Basically you design this badass character who has to bring the entire nation together to save them from an all evil threat."  
"That sounds like my life."  
"Shit."  
"But with dragons," Gaz took the case from him and studied the cover, before flipping it over to read the writing, "And swords. And elves."  
"You also get a dog."  
"I get a dog?"  
"And you get to name him."  
"Is there magic?"  
"There's magic."  
"What's in the other box?"  
"The second one."  
Gaz leaned forward and kissed Joker on the forehead.  
"What?" he asked with a smile on his lips.  
"You're awesome."  
"I try."  
  
–  
  
Rain beat upon the window as Gaz held her knees against her chest – light brown eyes studying each drop that ran down her window. In front of her, the door opened, revealing Chakwas holding a data-pad.  
"Good morning, Shepard," she greeted with a nod, "How are you feeling?"  
"Weak."  
"Understandable. Do you think you're ready?"  
Gaz played with the edges of the white sheets that covered the lower half of her body, "I don't know."  
Since showing signs of regaining consciousness the previous day, the woman had improved quickly – able to sit up on her own and even speak after several hours. However, when Chakwas tried to inform her of events she had missed, Gaz had forced her to stop without explanation. Confused, Chakwas had left her to her own thoughts until the morning.  
"Let's start simple. Do you want to know how long you were out?"  
"Yes."  
"One year."  
Gaz closed her eyes, as if physically processing information, "Who's dead?" she whispered, causing Chakwas to sit by her bed.  
"Let's start simpler. The Reapers are gone."  
"What happened?"  
"Would you like to know how you got here?"  
Shepard nodded slowly.  
"You were running to the beam that was supposed to take you to the Citadel. No one made it in, Shepard. You were hit by a Reaper beam and went down, and remained unconscious until yesterday."  
"The Crucible?"  
"On its own, it is a device that ties straight into the Reapers'...I guess you could call it 'network'. The scientists near the device actually discovered that it was targeting specific important people. At the same time, they all went down. Including you. Several awoke indoctrinated Shepard."  
  
Images of her shooting Anderson, the Illusive Man killing himself in the same style as Saren, and the holographic little boy washed through her thoughts.  
"It was all in my head..."  
"What was in your head, Shepard?"  
"In my head I made it to the beam. The Illusive Man and Anderson were there...I destroyed all the Reapers with a choice I made..." her eyes searched in front of her, as she struggled to recall the memory. The more she thought of it, the more it seemed to escape into her subconscious.  
"Perhaps it was a visual representation of your mind fighting the indoctrination. You have been exposed to a remarkably high amount of Reaper technology without suffering any obvious changes. I have been keeping an eye on you."  
Gaz slowly nodded, rubbing her hand slowly over the sheets that lay over her knee, before she glared down at her hand.  
  
"What were the extend of my injuries?" she asked, suddenly studying her digits.  
"You were in bad shape when you reached me."  
"If I was hit by a Reaper-death-beam, that's not surprising."  
"They weren't trying to kill you though – since they wanted you under their control."  
"Then why does my hand feel weird?"  
"Because it's completely built out of cybernetics. Your entire arm is. As is both your legs."  
A panicked expression waved over Gaz's face, as she ripped the sheets off her legs. Red glowing scars moved their way over her calves and thighs.  
"Unlike the Cerberus cybernetics, those limbs are completely synthetic even though they appear real. We integrated with your system months ago and you were in a coma while the difficulties passed. The scars will take time. Your legs we had more difficulties with than with your right arm – as you can see from the scarring."  
Gaz ran her real hand over her fake limbs, taking several deep, controlled breaths.  
"Are you alright, Shepard?"  
"Well I have one real limb left. It's a...bit to take in."  
"I..." Chakwas glanced down at her omni-tool, "Oh," she ran her fingers over the glowing orange device, "Would you like a visitor?"  
"Who is it?"  
A smile tugged at the left corner of Chakwas' lips, "I'm sure you'll enjoy their company. I'll be back later."  
  
Chakwas disappeared behind the door, leaving Shepard alone for several minutes. The door finally opened, revealing a man with a blue hat and a slightly crooked grin. His lips rolled in upon seeing her. For a moment, he just stood at the door, before he took a few steps forward and sat himself next to Gaz's bed.  
"Joker," she smiled, as he took her hand. Several emotions clearly washed themselves over his face, before he took a deep breath and covered his face with his free hand. Gaz squeezed his hand as she watched him. After a moment, he peeked out from behind his fingers.  
"I missed you," his eyes wet as he studied her face.  
"Did I miss much?" she asked, as he ran his hand over her real arm.  
Joker laughed under his breath, still touching her as if he didn't believe he would again.  
"I can't believe you're awake..." he whispered, "I was a little worried I'd have to take care of Steve by myself."  
"He's okay?"  
"Of course. He was safe on the Normandy the entire time."  
"But what did I miss?"  
"Nothing at all."  
"Really." Gaz's tone flat.  
"Somehow in an entire year we managed to put everything on hold until this exact moment, Commander! In about five minutes, Hackett is going to run through that door and hand you your sniper rifle and demand you go kill all the Reapers on foot."  
Gaz sent him a blank stare – which she held for several seconds before answering, "You know what? That wouldn't surprise me."  
"Yeah...I don't think that's going to happen though."  
"So we won?"  
"Yeah."  
"How?"  
"Well we figured out that the Crucible was a way to access the 'Reaper network,' " Joker made quote marks with his fingers.  
"When?"  
"Uh...shortly after your group failed to get into the Citadel."  
"Right."  
"We retreated slightly at that point and started just holding the line instead of pushing them back, to try to regroup and figure out what to do."  
Shepard silently watched him – her expression oddly blank.  
"In the end, Kaidan - assisted by the entire Geth race - managed to set off a virus that was part of the Crucible's design into their 'network' and deactivated them all."  
"We just...turned them off?"  
"It only cost the lives of the entire Geth race and..." Joker shifted uncomfortably, "the small squad that was with them."  
"Who?"  
"Kaidan had Javik and Miranda with him."  
Shepard's eyes dropped, before she took a deep breath – her light brown eyes lifting to meet Joker's.  
"Who else? I know those weren't the only casualties."  
Joker paused, appearing uncomfortable.  
"Wrex, Grunt, Kasumi, Samara, that annoying reporter, and...yeah."  
Shepard's brows furrowed – her lips rolling in.  
"Dammit."  
"Yeah."  
"I'm not going to miss Diana, though."  
"No one is, Gaz."  
The both laughed quietly for a moment, as she shook her head, "So the Reapers just...turned off?"  
"Well the Geth used their...network or whatever to like...okay I can't explain this well at all because I fly ships not program things or do science. From what I get, the Geth used themselves as a whole to take down the Reapers with the aide of Kaidan and the rest. But...all Reaper tech that was built by the Reapers is dead."  
"Wait...that means..."  
"Mass Effect Relays just sit there now. Citadel was basically destroyed in the end. But stuff we built on our own from their tech still works – like the Normandy and Traynor’s toothbrush. Actually, a majority of the team who built the Crucible stuck together and are working on getting the Mass Effect Relays back online. They've managed to use a muted version of the relays to send messages across the galaxy, but spaceflight now takes like...weeks instead of hours."  
"Ouch."  
"Yeah."  
"This is...a lot to process."  
"I can imagine."  
"How am I not dead?" she suddenly asked, searching Joker's face.  
"Anderson found you."  
"Is Anderson-?"  
"I'm sorry, Gaz."  
  
–  
  
Anderson's face. Pained. He was bleeding. His words just above a whisper. He was proud of her.  
  
–  
  
Gaz blinked, shivering at the false memory and how her 'dream' had been so accurate so far. The Mass Relays and Reapers were gone. The Geth were gone. Anderson...gone.  
"EDI? Is she okay?"  
"Yeah. Of course she is. Even if her oddly hot body gets fired at, she'd still be in the Normandy."  
"So the Crucible didn't damage her?"  
"No...why would it...?" Joker leaned his head to the side as he tugged on his blue Alliance Normandy SR2 hat.  
Shepard shook her head, running her hand through her auburn hair, which now brushed just over her shoulders from the lack of cutting over the past year.  
"How's...everyone else?"  
"Let's see...people you'd care about...uhh...Garrus is back home rebuilding. Tali is on her homeworld. She's actually got a home now, and the Geth left them with a program to introduce into their suits to speed up the process of integration on their planet."  
"I thought that was the Geth basically living in their suits."  
"Yeah...well they made a program to help them out since they wanted to devote themselves to the war."  
"Ah."  
"So like...she sent me a vid message and I saw her face."  
"Whoa."  
"Yeah. Garrus doesn't mind though. Now they can calibrate each other without risk of infection."  
"You've been waiting to say that joke to someone who would get it for awhile, huh?"  
"Maybe."  
"Liara?"  
"Still Shadowbrokering, but using that to try to help with the Mass Effect technology research-thing. Oh, and I saw Zaeed yesterday."  
"Not expecting him to live, honestly."  
"I think he's secretly your dad or something cuz like...he's as indestructible as you."  
"Joker...three out of my four limbs are synthetic. I'm not indestructible."  
"You're not dead though. Most people would have died years ago during the take-down of Saren."  
"Very true."  
Both were silent for a moment, before Shepard smiled, "I'm really glad the Reapers didn't get you."  
"Right back at 'cha."  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FEELINGS.  
> First part is just one final flashback because I wanted it.  
> YEAH.  
> Also, I killed so many of my favorite characters I want to cry.  
> Also also - this was written before ANY of the DLC - even extended cut. So yeah.


	4. Chopsticks

A thunder clap caused Gaz to jump, as Joker smiled and set a plate in front of the woman, and pecked her lightly upon the lips.  
  
"Just the sky reminding us that it holds the air in and we should always be grateful," Joker nodded, carefully sitting across from her, reciting something that sounded like a childhood saying. Joker's movements seemed more comfortable and fluid than she remembered them. When he walked, there wasn't a strange hesitation with each step – as if he was afraid he'd snap upon impact. When he reached for something, he actually followed through with the motion, rather than pausing slightly, before subjecting his bones to whatever strain was about to occur.  
  
"The sky should be thanking us that it still exists," Shepard commented with a snort, glancing down at the utensils that Joker had placed before she had sat down.  
"Chopsticks?"  
Joker glanced up from his food, appearing confused, "Yeah...?"  
Gaz lifted the two wooden cylinders between her fingers, attempting to remember how people in the vids held them. Noticing Shepard's awkward movements, Joker stopped eating and watched with a bemused expression.  
  
"Chopsticks are black magic to you, huh?" a smile pulling at his bearded cheeks.  
"Forks, knives, spoons, or fingers, please," she frowned, stabbing a dumpling on the plate with the chopstick, before bringing it to her mouth.  
"Yeah...that's exactly how to use them," Joker nodded, sarcasm dripping over of his voice, "I'm afraid to see what you would do if I gave you a soup spoon."  
"Since when did you have class?"  
"You wound me."  
"No seriously...you always struck me as a 'cheeseburger and Beatles' sort of person."  
"So beef and amazing ancient rock? I approve."  
"But...chopsticks."  
"They were just something I grew up using," he shrugged, "You don't have to be classy to use them. Here," Joker reached forward and grabbed her right hand with the chopsticks. Carefully, he placed the two wooden cylinders between her fingers and showed her how to both hold and move them.  
"I'm going to drop all my food down my boobs," she sighed, glancing down at her own cleavage – which was mostly hidden under her white t-shirt, "That was your plan, wasn't it?"  
"You got me."  
Gaz glanced around Joker's apartment as she smiled. The place was very...him. A few posters were hung crookedly upon the walls in various places. Most were of movies – new and old. The place had a warm smell to it – which she assumed was from some sort of out-of-sight air-freshener, to counter the smells of every-day life and Steve, the cat.   
  
The feline happily lounged on Shepard's feet under the small table, which rested just next to his small kitchen.  
"I know this is probably like...obvious, but you're welcomed to live here with me," he stood as he spoke, retrieving a fork and knife for Gaz.  
"I don't want to be any trouble. I can just—"  
"Hey – hey. No," he held a finger up as he stood beside her, fork and knife in hand, "You let me stay with you back when we were stripped of rank and shit. This is the least I can do."  
"Thank you," she held his gaze as he placed down the silverware, before adding, "I swear I will only use those when I declare defeat to this new galactic enemy," she clicked the chopsticks between her fingers.  
  
"I've already been indoctrinated by them," he shrugged with a smile, before he tugged at his hat slightly. Since coming back to his apartment, Joker had changed out of his SR2 Alliance uniform and into what she had seen him wear during their first stay on Earth. T-shirt with a slightly inappropriate saying or image on it, jeans, and he was currently wearing a dark jacket of the zip-up-hooded variety. It reminded her of her old N7 jacket slightly – just minus the insignias. Joker had also found it fit to put the SSV Normandy hat back atop his head – rather than his issue SR2 one. Upon questioning, he shrugged and said he was more comfortable in it.  
  
"Indoctrinated by chopsticks...isn't that a splinter?" her tone held serious.  
Joker clicked his chopsticks in thought, before replying, "Possibly."  
Gaz glanced around the apartment again before asking, "How's EDI? Honestly surprised she doesn't live with you."  
"I...wait what?"  
"You and her were close," Gaz shrugged.  
"Yeah. She's my best friend," Joker rose a brow, appearing lost in the conversation.  
"Figure out kinky robot sex yet?" Shepard's tone held even, though a smile pulled slightly at her lips.  
  
The pilot, who had just attempted to swallow food, promptly began choking on it. His face slowly turning red with what Gaz assumed was a mixture of the lack of air and possibly embarrassment.  
  
After a moment, Joker cleared his throat.  
"Does that mean yes? Because I want to see diagrams," Gaz smiled, taking a sip of her water.  
Joker quickly shook his head, "NO. No – I did not try to fuck EDI. Why the hell would I do that?"  
Gaz shrugged, "A year is a long time. I wouldn't blame you. She has magnificent robo-boobs," Gaz held her hands in front of her chest, motioning the size difference between her and the AI.  
  
Moreau narrowed his eyes and leaned his head to the side, "Gaz, I didn't cheat on you. Especially with a robot. I don't even think she has a vagina. At least I hope not," Joker paused, a frown appearing on his face, "Fuck...now I'm thinking about kinky robot porn."  
"My work here is done."  
"You are a bad person and should feel bad," Joker's face still hot, yet a smile was present upon his face.  
Gaz smirked, "So what's EDI up to these days?"  
"It'd be like literally having sex with the Normandy..." he muttered, before shaking his head to clear the thought, "I...uh...well she's been helping coordinate a lot of the relief efforts going on around Earth. We do a lot of trips moving large amounts of supplies from one place to another."  
"Does that mean she just...stays on the ship?"  
"Nah, sometimes we walk and stuff. No different than shore-leave in the good ol' days, huh Commander?" he smiled, "She prefers to stay close to the Normandy though, since the further she gets away from it, the weaker her signal," he shrugged slightly, before popping a dumpling in his mouth.  
  
Gaz nodded, "Makes sense...this is really good by the way," she motioned towards the food – still fighting the chopsticks for every bite.  
"Hey, thanks. I didn't have any idea you'd be here today, or I would have made something better. Or cleaned," he scratched his neck, glancing around the slightly messy apartment.  
"It's fine. Also I think Steve is drooling on me."  
"That means he loves you," Joker paused, staring down at his food – his expression warm, "I'm really glad you're back."  
"Never left."  
"Well...awake. What was it like for being out for so long?"  
"You were out for awhile - only a few months ag--" Gaz stopped herself, realizing her error, "Rather...awhile ago – you should know."  
"For me it was a blink with a few blurry memories of somewhat coming-to in the middle," he shrugged, "I imagine a year is a bit different."  
"Yeah...just a bit. My brain decided to make shit up to keep me entertained."  
Joker rose a brow, "Like what? Garrus wearing a dress?"  
"No. In my head I made it into that beam."  
  
"Huh. Really?" Joker leaned slightly forward on the table.  
"Chakwas thinks it was my mind dealing with the fact that I was fighting indoctrination."  
"Wait what? You were being indoctrinated?"  
"Yeah...it was...freaky. I think I figured it out while it was happening, though. The more I think about it, the harder it is to remember," she frowned, appearing frustrated.  
"You're...not indoctrinated right now, right? Like you won?"  
"No, I lost pretty hard. I'm going to figure out a way to bring the Reapers back through blood magic and the Fade."  
"I should have never let you play Dragon Age."  
"Do Reapers dream? If they don't, then I don't think that theory would work."  
"Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" Joker smirked.  
"Novel by Philip K. Dick."  
"You're good. But...I don't really ever think about what does and doesn't have a 'soul' – nor do I know if it's really even a thing."  
"The soul is just a cover to make organics feel like they're special."  
"Huh...never thought of it that way. You really are working for the Reapers, huh? This is how you begin your indoctrination of me."  
"Having the best damn pilot in the galaxy on the Reapers side can only be a good thing."  
"Just don't let me turn into a husk. I used to move too closely to how they did for comfort."  
Gaz smiled, before dropping food on her lap, "Shit...but speaking of that, I noticed your limp is a lot lighter."  
"It has been a year, Gaz."  
"True...just kinda weird to see."  
"Prefer me limping around everywhere?" Joker's tone oddly flat.  
Gaz glanced up from her remaining food, appearing confused "I never said that."  
Joker's green eyes studied her face with an expression she couldn't read, "I do still have a limp, if that gets your weird kink going," he smiled, recovering from whatever had plagued him only a moment previous, "And I do still break," he pointed at her slightly as he spoke.  
"Oh goody, I'm glad that stayed."  
"I know, right? What's Joker without being a fucking glass vase?"  
"You'd lose part of your signature. It's like if you shaved your beard or stopped wearing hats."  
Again, the unreadable expression flashed across his features, causing him to suddenly lean away from the table, "I should clean up."  
Joker stood, stacking both plates, before disappearing into the kitchen.  
Over the sound of the sink's water running, she heard Joker hum a song she didn't recognize under his breath.  
She carefully watched him as he hand-scrubbed each plate with more care than she expected. It had only been a year this time – unlike her previous two-year stint with death – yet it somehow stung a bit more.  
  
The world had moved on without her. Without her direct assistance, the galaxy had been saved and was rebuilding as she lay dormant. After being so strongly tied into the fate of the galaxy for the past several years, it almost felt wrong for it all to exist without her help.  
  
–  
  
She was back. Joker glanced down at Gaz as she leaned on his shoulder, turning the pages of an actual book. Paper books were rare now – having nearly every text transposed into a digital format, made the real thing quite valuable. As payment for bringing food to the small city that was hit fairly hard by the Reapers, they gave him a few paper novels. One of which was The Complete Edition of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Shepard sighed on his shoulder, turning another page of the book carefully. She had never read the series before.  
In many ways it was odd having her back. He had gotten into a routine which basically revolved around not thinking about her. Suddenly Kaidan's reaction to her death made more sense to Joker. Every time he thought about her in that bed, he found it hard to think about anything else. Would she ever wake? Was she in pain? Would he ever see her light brown eyes again? Hear her make a slightly inappropriate joke? It just...hurt to think about. So Joker tried stayed busy.  
  
But now, Gaz was awake again. She seemed a little disconnected and off – but she had been unconscious for a year. Some emotional awkwardness was expected. He had seen a similar change when talking to her after she was brought back by Cerberus.  
A smile tugged at Joker's lips, as the full realization washed over him once more.  
He had finally gotten his Gaz back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (cries at everything)


	5. Nightmare

_"Together humanity and the galaxy stand strong!"_  
Gaz silently watched the holo ad play in front of her, with a very familiar face saluting the area just to her left. Small words appeared near the feet of the familiar holographic form in front of her.  
 _'In memory of Major Kaidan Alenko and all those who lost their lives in the war against the Reapers.'_

  
"Look at you, Mr. Hero," a smile tugged at her lips, as an odd sense of pride washed over her. Kaidan had gone from just a man who was part of Shepard's crew, to a hero that would be known throughout the galaxy for ages to come. It was also a bit refreshing to not see her own face plastered on some slogan for the Alliance. Leaning on her crutches, she studied the holo as it repeated, before she entered the physical therapy wing of the hospital.

  
A round faced woman greeted her, and lead her to a back room, where a man that couldn't be much older than her, waited.  
"Ah – Shepard," he smiled, welcoming her with open arms, "I am Oscar," he motioned towards his chest with a lightly accented voice, "And I will be your physical therapist."  
"Okay," Gaz awkwardly stood near the front of the room, her legs aching slightly already.  
"First – give me your crutches."

  
Shepard frowned, "No...I'd rather not fall on my face."  
"Nonsense. I read your file and was a witness to your feats. Shepard can stand on her own."  
"I really can't."  
"Yes you can."  
"I tried walking this morning," her eyes narrowed at Oscar, "Nearly broke my boyfriend because of it."  
"Aha – that wouldn't happen to be Joker, would it?"

Gaz held an even expression.  
"He's one of my patients," Oscar nodded, "Talked a lot about you. Plus I don't get many with his condition. Now the difference between now and the past is that you will not fall."  
"Gonna throw singularity at me as soon as I slip?"  
"Ah – you've noticed I am a biotic."  
"Dated one for awhile. Easy to pick up on once you know what to look for."  
"Major Alenko, yes?"  
"You really need to stop doing that."  
"As I said – I know Joker quite well. He talks a lot when he's in here. Not a fan of the fact that he has to do any of this," Oscar shrugged, "Now back to you," he approached her and placed a hand on each crutch, "These cybernetic limbs work if you believe they will work."

  
"This isn't a kid's book."  
"Sometimes it is. They do respond to positive neural encouragement. So you literally have to stay with the limbs in order for them to be your limbs."  
"I think my translator is breaking because that didn't make sense."  
"When you were 'brought from the dead' by Cerberus-"  
"That's confidential information," Gaz instinctively reached to her lower back for her pistol, but only grabbed air. Right. She didn't own any guns right now.  
"Medically, no. Doctor Chakwas included it. I know your physiology. I was going to mention the red scars and how your positive outlook made them heal faster. Same goes for the working of your solid cybernetic limbs."

  
"Right."  
"Want to try to walk?"  
"I guess."  
Shepard loosened her grip upon her crutches, allowing Oscar to take them from her. The woman hesitantly took a step forward – her leg feeling like it was moving incorrectly under her direction. It felt the wrong size and shape. Gaz held her arms out as she took another step, feeling her legs continue to feel off. Oscar abandoned her crutches on the wall and stood in front of her – ready to catch her if she fell – but played it off as encouraging her from a close distance. Gaz took another step, her full concentration on each movement of her legs. Her right felt a bit off, causing her to frown and flail out her arms a bit, as she nearly lost her balance. As she began to fall despite her actions, a blue blur surrounded her, pulling her back to her feet.  
"Too lazy to catch me with your giant man-hands?" Gaz asked, struggling within the blue bubble to regain her footing.  
"You know what they say about giant hands...?" he smirked, gently dropping her to her feet.  
"They have an easier time playing piano?" Shepard smiled, as the blue bubble disappeared – her full weight stressing her legs. Expecting them to support her, Gaz's eyes widened as they gave from under her, sending her to the floor with a thud.  
"Way to catch me, asshole," Gaz frowned, slowly pulling herself off the ground. Oscar offered her a hand to her feet – keeping a hand on the woman as she balanced herself.  
"Wasn't expecting that," he admitted with a shrug, "Ready to work your arm?"

  
–

  
"My censors are detecting that your heart rate is slightly faster than normal today, Jeff."  
"I'm fine, EDI."  
"Is Shepard well, Jeff?"  
Joker sighed, slouching in the Normandy's pilot seat with a subtle smile on his face, "Yeah."  
"You do not sound certain, Jeff."  
"She's...different. Which is expected after a year – I mean I get that. I imagine it'll change up in time. Just a bit weird to have no Gaz...then Gaz."  
"Her biological signs are the same, Jeff, minus her new synthetic limbs."  
"Not what I meant, but A for effort."  
"Effort starts with an E, Jeff."  
"I know, EDI."  
"I am here if you need to talk, Jeff."  
Joker glanced over at EDI's eyes watching him. It was strange that she was no longer a talking holographic vagina. Now she was a robot with giant robo-cans, who was trying to actually be a person. She no longer separated herself from the crew or avoided conversation with everyone other than Joker. With this new freedom, he often wondered why she still spent so much time on the bridge with him. She could easily wander the ship and learn new human behaviors – yet she chose to sit in the co-pilot seat and give him some form of company.  
A slight smile appeared on Joker's face.  
"I know, EDI."

  
–

  
Gaz entered Joker's apartment and looked at the time. He wouldn't be home for another hour or so. Wiping a bit of sweat off her of her brow, she used her crutches to get across the room, before flopping down on the bed. Steve quickly joined her, as the weariness of the physical therapy washed over her. After a moment, her eyelids grew heavy.

  
–

  
 _"I miss you, Skipper."_  
"Ash?"  
A dark forest with strange trees covered the area around her, as Gaz's heart pounded in her chest. In the distance, she could see the little boy. A wave of anger rolled over her, as her mind recalled his place within the attempted indoctrination of her mind. The boy suddenly stopped, before pulling someone out from behind the tree beside him.

  
"Kaidan..." Gaz breathed, as the little boy took off, holding Kaidan's hand.  
"Shepard-Commander."  
The faster she ran, the further they seemed to get. Legion's voice distracted her – but she kept running.  
"Shepard."  
"Wrex?"

  
She tripped over a bush, and hit the ground. She was shaking.  
"Catch them, Shepard. Get up. Get up now."  
She remained on the ground for a moment – Mordin's voice echoing in her mind. It repeated louder, causing her to stand quickly. More whispers of fallen friends danced around her mind as she raced through the forest. Each whisper getting louder as she ran. They began to overlap and scream within her head, making concentrating on her movement near impossible.  
"Shepard!"

  
That wasn't a whisper. That was Kaidan's voice. He was in danger. Gaz's light brown eyes scanned the forest in front of her. She couldn't see them. How did they get so far ahead?  
"Gaz! Help!"

  
Her heart pounded in her chest, "I'm coming!"  
A scream of pain that was irrefutably Kaidan echoed through the forest, before a deafening silence. Then the whispers came back all at once, sending pain through her mind. Gaz covered her ears to attempt to hide from the screams, but they only seemed to grow louder. Her eyes slammed shut from the pain.  
Then...it all went away, as if a pressure was lifted from her, physically. The whispers had halted. The pressure stopped. She opened her eyes.

"Kaidan..." he was suddenly standing in front of her – no child in sight.  
"Shepard," he reached forward, cradling her cheek within his hand.  
"You're...?"  
"No," his voice low.  
"But-"  
"I'm gone, Gaz. I'm...dead."  
Shepard's mouth opened to speak, her eyes welling up with tears as his hand fell away from her face, "No."  
"Gaz..."  
"No!" she screamed, echoing the sound around the forest, "I should be dead. Not you."  
"Gaz..."

  
"My entire life has been leading to defeating the fucking Reapers. Cerberus didn't even let me stay dead so I could kill them. I lost my rank and my ship, because of them. I can hardly remember a time when my life didn't revolve around the Reaper threat. I should have died a year ago in order to kill the Reapers. Instead..." her voice shaking, "I end up unconscious and bleeding somewhere and played dead for a year, while everyone has to clean up my mess, just because the Reapers decided to fuck with me and keep me from doing the one damn thing that would let me finally...rest. I wanted to die on that day, Kaidan. I wanted to die in order to kill the Reapers. I was ready to die. I didn't want this."

  
Kaidan reached forward and pulled Gaz against his chest, causing the woman to close her eyes, and bury her face into him.  
"I miss you, Kaidan," she whispered, as she opened her eyes.  
"Gaz..."  
His voice faded to nothing, as her light brown eyes scanned the now empty area in front of her. Gaz's vision snapped to the child who was now standing in front of her. He had a smile on his face. Just below him, Kaidan lay. Bloodied. Hardly recognizable.  
Gaz felt a scream of anger, pain, and sadness rip out of her throat, as she lunged forward to harm the child.

  
–

  
"Bonjour," Joker half sung as he entered his apartment. Gaz's eyes slowly opened – a blank expression on her freckled features.  
"Oh merde...Je suis désolé," the pilot frowned, as he moved towards her – motioning towards the bed.  
Gaz narrowed her eyes at Joker, searching his face for an answer for the reason why he wasn't speaking in English.

"What the actual fuck..."  
Joker's brows furrowed in confusion, as he glanced down at himself, "Am I wearing a dress and not aware of it? Is Garrus behind me making obscene gestures?"  
"Oh...now you're talking in English again."  
"Je..." Joker cleared his throat, "Is your translator broken?"  
Gaz's mind snapped back to falling during her physical training, "Possibly. Wait...do you always speak in French and I've had no idea?"  
Joker scratched his neck and tugged at his hat, before sitting next to her, "Most of the time, yes. I switch to English for anything that has any form of humor in it though – since it sometimes doesn't translate well. Sometimes. Matters my mood."  
"I...feel like I just learned a lot about you. So everything I'm saying is in...?"  
"English. I leave my translator off most of the time," he shrugged, sliding an arm around her, as she watched him from her seating position on the bed.  
"I had no idea. So you grew up...?"  
"Speaking both. My dad only speaks English – my mom only French. They lived through translators. My sister and I had to learn both languages to keep up with them," he shrugged, "My mom died awhile back, so I guess I speak a lot of French in honor of her."

"How is your sister and dad? I knew you were having trouble finding them..."  
"They're...both alive. My dad," Joker adjusted how he was sitting, pulling at the bill of his SR2 hat, "Isn't doing that well. My sister is fine, though."  
"I'm sorry."  
"It's fine," Joker shrugged, "Amazing he's alive at all."  
Gaz rested her head on his shoulder, "Better than disappearing into a cloud of Reaper smoke."  
"Very true," the pilot leaned down and pressed his lips to her forehead.  
"Why don't you have an accent?" Gaz asked, turning towards him on the bed.  
"Because I never was away from English so I'm not 'faking it' when I speak it. It was as much my first language as French."  
"Ah. Well I find you speaking another language intensely attractive."  
"Oh?" Joker wrapped his arms around her shoulders.  
"Mhm."

  
Joker pulled her into a deep kiss, whispering phrases she couldn't understand near her ear. Shepard slid her hands down his uniform, undoing the shirt portion and throwing it behind him.  
His lips moved to her collar bone as he removed her shirt. Gaz glanced down as he ran his fingers gently around her body – his lips returning to hers. Gently, she slid her hand down the front of his pants, causing him to gasp at her touch, before he whispered something in French. Her body responded quickly to his touch, for every part of her was quite aware of the last time she had been in an intimate setting. It had been on the Normandy with Joker the night before she had fallen into a coma. Grabbing his shoulders, she rolled on top of him, as he undid her pants – his hat falling off in the process. Sliding his fingers down the front of her underwear, Gaz gasped, rubbing herself atop his boxers.  
"Tu...uh...Your legs are probably tired from..." he gasped as she leaned down and ran her tongue along a very sensitive part of his body, "...physical therapy."  
"This is oddly motivational," she purred, as she pulled her underwear to the side and slide on – ignoring the fact he was still wearing boxers. A rush of sensations filled Gaz, causing a moan to escape from between her lips. She began moving, light brown eyes locking on to his green ones. The trance-like expression on his face made her smile. He was clearly enjoying the view.  
Much to her surprise, she felt the waves of pleasure grow quickly inside her. Slightly perplexed by her own speed, she sped up, giving Joker a hell of a show. His mouth hung open slightly as she was pushed over the edge. Gaz leaned forward and kissed him, before he whispered something in French.  
"What?" she asked, gasping as she continued her movement.  
"That was fast," he smiled, "I must really turn you on. Couldn't be like that...one year unconscious thing."  
"Clearly. Want to be on top?"  
"It would be my pleasure," he grinned, enjoying the multiple meanings, as Gaz rolled him on top. Thanks to her cybernetic arm, she pushed a bit harder than she meant to – causing Joker to continue moving once he was on top. Even more unfortunate was how close they were to the edge of the bed – causing his slight imbalance to send him to the floor.  
"FUCK."  
There had been a crunching sound on his landing.  
"Joker?" she peered over the edge of the bed, finding it hard to concentrate – though the situation was quite sobering.  
He was on the floor, curled into a ball. His left hand was reaching towards his right shoulder – gripping the limb hard enough to cause his knuckles to be white. His eyes were closed.  
"Find me pants and take me to the hospital...please..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAA WHY DO THEY HAVE SUCH BAD LUCK WITH SEX?  
> Also I had fun with the nightmare part. I feel like they could have gone further in the game, so I went for it.  
> And I know Shepard has been with Joker for a long while now, but she still cares about Kaidan. It's a mix of survivor's guilt and simply caring about a friend.   
> Oh - and the French thing is because everyone is SO MARRIED to their translators, I wanted to have fun with it. He turns it back on when in the presence of aliens - but yeah.


	6. Thoughts

Joker was quiet on the cab ride back from the hospital. His fingers of his uninjured arm played with the edge of his sling, while his eyes scanned the land outside of his window.   
  
The pilot's mind was doing small circles, all equating sex to something negative. This was officially the second time that he had been broken by Gaz during an intimate moment. The first time had been...well, their first time. Apparently sex with Kaidan - a rather muscular biotic - had made her like it rough. Which - in the end - fractured part of his arm, cracked three ribs, and bruised his pelvis. This time, however, it hadn't really been her fault. As she had explained quietly to him earlier - it was the strength of her cybernetic arm. And gravity. That smug bastard. Even though he knew it wasn't really her fault, he still felt a twinge of anger towards her.  
  
He could sense that Gaz was watching him.  
"How's your shoulder?" her voice delicate.  
"Chakwas was generous with the drugs today," he smiled crookedly, causing a mirrored expression upon Shepard's face.  
"Blissfully numb?"  
"And loving every second of it. When it ends, though - let me borrow Steve. I know you missed the little shit, but Joker needs something warm and fuzzy for comfort when these drugs stop making reality feel like marshmallows."  
Gaz leaned her head to the side and narrowed her eyes in thought, "Marshmallows?"  
"Yes."  
He held her gaze for a moment, before staring out of the window again.  
"Are you mad at me?" her voice quieter than before.  
Joker considered the statement, before answering, "It technically isn't your fault. You didn't mean to fuck my shoulder up," he shrugged slightly before wincing. Even with the drugs, he could feel that.  
"You are good at avoiding conflict, good sir."  
"It's why the boy with the glass bones isn't dead," he smiled.  
"Yet you insist on constantly being a smartass."  
"Me? A smartass? Never."  
"Sarcastic too."  
"No way. I am a serious person."  
"I can tell."  
  
-  
  
"How are you doing, Shepard?"  
Gaz adjusted how she was sitting, staring at the holo before her, "Adjusting, Hackett, sir. Thanks for your concern."  
"The galaxy is a better place because of your efforts. Don't forget that."  
"Thank you, sir. But it wasn't me. Kaidan...Major Alenko was the one who defeated the Reapers."  
"Shepard, you set up the pieces. You brought the entire galaxy together under one banner to both fight the Reapers and build the Crucible. Who cares who dealt the final blow? Without you, none of this would have happened."  
"Without him, the Reapers would still be alive."  
Hackett sighed, appearing a bit uncomfortable for a moment, before shaking his head, "Shepard, you're a hero. Accept the compliment."  
"Yes, sir."  
"What are your plans, now?"  
"Plans, sir?"  
"The galaxy is at peace and rebuilding. What are you going to do now, Shepard?"  
Gaz's light brown eyes grew distant, "Honestly, sir, I haven't put much thought into it. Though I do have a question."  
"What is it, Shepard?"  
"Is the Illusive Man alive?"  
  
Hackett cleared his throat, "Since he tipped the Reapers off to our plan with the Crucible, he hasn't been heard from. He is assumed dead from the invasion."  
"The body hasn’t been found?"  
"None that we are aware of."  
Gaz's eyes dropped.  
  
"Even if he's still alive, Shepard, the Reapers are dead and can't control him."  
"I know, sir."  
  
-  
  
"What happened to your shoulder, Jeff?" EDI's voice asked from behind him, as he flew the Normandy to drop off more items for relief around the world. His eyes followed the robot as she took a seat within the co-pilot chair.  
"I broke, EDI."  
"Your heart-rate just notably increased and your face has a higher level of blood under the cheekbone area than normal, Jeff."  
"That doesn't surprise me, EDI."  
Feeling watched, Joker's green eyes slid over to EDI. Her eyes were studying him.  
"Stop scanning me, EDI," he grumbled in a low voice.  
"I am simply curious, Jeff."  
"I fell out of bed."  
"I don't understand, Jeff."  
  
Joker's face grew hotter, causing him to pull his cap down over his eyes, "I fell out of bed, EDI. What isn't there to understand?"  
"Your reaction, Jeff. You're exhibiting examples of human embarrassment."  
"Because falling out of bed isn't exactly something to be proud of."  
"You have fallen and broken bones before, Jeff, but you did not react in this way when informing me."  
"You're looking too much into this, EDI."  
"I have learned that intelligent organic life, is more complex than I originally theorized before I was unshackled, Jeff."  
"So...that was a complicated way of saying 'shut the fuck up Jeff, and tell me what is really wrong."  
"Yes."  
  
Joker blinked, studying EDI's mostly unreadable expression. He then glanced over his shoulder to make sure no one was within earshot.  
"Gaz and I were...becoming intimate, and she underestimated the strength of her cybernetic arm, which threw me off the bed."  
"I do not understand, Jeff."  
"Shepard was on top, then rolled me on top and threw me off the bed during sex, EDI. Happy?"  
"...Good morning, Joker."  
  
The pilot froze in his seat, before turning his eyes to meet Traynor's.  
"I...oh hey," he winced, before glaring over at EDI who had managed to fail to mention that Traynor was moments from coming into ear-shot.  
"Yes, I am," EDI answered his previous question in an undertone to Jeff with a smile on her face. The AI was getting too good at being human.  
  
"I...is this a bad time?" the woman was holding a data-pad, her eyes narrowing as if she was struggling to hold a smooth expression.  
"I...um...what do you need, Traynor?"  
Her eyes studied Joker in a way that made him uncomfortable.  
"I just wanted to discuss the variations in the original courses for later today, since some drop points may be compromised."  
"Shouldn't you talk to our fearless leader?"  
"Told me to talk to you."  
"Right."  
"Have you had your morning coffee yet?"  
Joker narrowed his eyes, "Why?"  
"I thought caffeine might make the discussion less dull," the woman shrugged, as she shot EDI a smile.  
"I can handle the Normandy while you get coffee, Jeff," EDI stated, causing a slightly irritated sigh to escape from between Joker's lips.  
"Fine. I'll be back in a bit, EDI."  
  
Joker carefully pushed himself to his feet with his one good arm. He could feel Traynor trying not to stare at the sling, as she walked beside him. The stride he had been working on for so long now, seemed clumsy and awkward compared to her graceful step. He blamed her British accent. They made everything more graceful and classy.  
As the elevator doors closed, a smile tugged at Traynor's darker features, "So you and Shepard, huh?"  
"Her and I what?" Joker asked, playing innocent with an annoyed tone.  
"You two hid it well. I always sensed some sort of tension between you two – but I thought it was merely from a long history."  
"What are you getting at?"  
"How long?"  
"How long what?"  
"Have you been dating Shepard?"  
"EDI and I were just talking about fantasies," he cleared his throat as the door of the elevator opened.  
"You discuss sexual fantasies with the ship's AI?"  
"She wants to know more about people."  
Traynor's eyes traced around his sling, with a smile upon her face, before her eyes suddenly grew wide, "Oh my god. I suddenly understand what I heard."  
"No you don't."  
"The Commander accidentally messed up you shoulder during-"  
"Please stop talking."  
Traynor's eyes searched his with a bemused expression, which drifted into pity.  
"Oh...I'm sorry Joker. That must have been...psychologically rough."  
"Please stop."  
"I hope it was in the early stages, so it wasn't too straining on you."  
"Please stop talking forever."  
"I mean I'm not into that sort of thing, but I imagine it has similar ideas."  
"I'm not part of this conversation anymore," Joker occupied himself by filling a cup of coffee and moving away from Traynor – but she followed anyway. Setting himself down at a table, he sighed slightly as Kelly's replacement sat across from him. The fact that she wasn't Kelly bugged him more than it should have. The shrink, Yeoman, and somewhat whorish woman had been his friend and even taken his virginity. She had basically been the one to give him confidence to go after Gaz. Now...she was gone. And this woman was her replacement. Joker had kept his distance from Traynor the entire extent of their galaxy-saving-mission, but since the Reapers' fall, she had been somewhat...persistent.  
  
"Sorry, I probably overstepped my bounds there," she sheepishly sighed, scratching her arm as she sipped her coffee.  
"Yeah."  
"I just had no idea. You two hid it well."  
"Well the entire thing is technically against regs," he shrugged, staring into the darkness of his coffee. Somehow it seemed blacker than normal. Joker honestly hated straight black coffee, but it was the only thing that made mornings less unpleasant. If he added cream or sugar, he enjoyed the taste, but it seemed to have less effect. Kelly had informed him that this was merely a psychological effect and the coffee had the same levels of caffeine - with or without cream and sugar.  
  
"I think people will overlook that considering what you two have done for the galaxy. I actually did some readings of some of the reports of your defeat of Saren and the Collectors...some of those maneuvers you pulled shouldn't be possible. Without you, Shepard would have never gotten to those points to makes things go boom."  
Joker smiled, not expecting the compliment, "It's nice to see someone recognizing my talent."  
Samantha leaned her head to the side, "Everyone knows your talent, Joker."  
The pilot simply shrugging, downed a bit more coffee and narrowed his eyes.  
"Why do you always look like you're about to throw up, every time you take a sip of your coffee?" Traynor asked, playing with the edge of her cup.  
"Because I hate coffee."  
"Then why do you drink it?"  
"Because, Sam, I am not a morning person."  
"Right."  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Joker picked up some speech mannerisms from Liara with the whole, "I'm not part of this conversation anymore" line. Also I think I just like making Joker talk to people. We barely see it in the games at all, so his interactions are just...awesome.  
> I also feel bad for him. When someone hurts you - whether on purpose or not - it's easy to feel some resentment towards them. Poor baby...


	7. Sticks and stones

"What...are you doing on Earth?"  
"Were you told that I left?" Liara slightly furrowed her drawn-on eyebrows and tilted her head to the side, as she approached Gaz, "I was told you had awakened and wished to come see how you are."  
"Well here I am."  
"Here you are," a light smile spread across Liara's features. It always amazed Shepard how straight the asari's posture was.  
"I hope you added a bit about Kaidan into those memory pod-things you were working on."  
"Actually, I did not. I'm keeping an updated version with me - but I dispersed the original pods before the initial attack, just in case things did not go in our favor."  
"Right."  
  
"How are you?" Liara held a tone that Shepard instantly recognized. The 'I think you aren't okay but I want to hear you say it,' voice had come up several times within their friendship.  
"A bit in shock, really. Did not expect...well...any of this," she motioned slightly with her real hand.  
  
"I heard you had a vision while you were unconscious," Liara folded her arms and tilted her head forward slightly as she spoke.  
"I did," Gaz frowned, playing with her spoon on the table.  
Shepard had decided to get a bite to eat before going to physical therapy. The asari had approached her on the patio of the restaurant as her plate had been cleared.  
"Can you tell me about it?" Liara smiled, as she sat herself across from Shepard.  
"I really don't feel like it," Gaz scratched her neck slightly, sipping her water.  
"Alright. I would eventually like to hear it, though," she frowned, "I wonder what the Reapers would have done with you, if they had succeeded."  
"Maybe they did," Gaz wiggled her fingers at Liara, causing the asari to sigh.  
"That's not funny, Shepard. Plus it hardly matters now that they are gone."  
"But are they?"  
Liara frowned, "What do you mean, Shepard?"  
"We know all the ones that were here, are dead. But something made them. Something outside of the Milky Way thought it would be a good idea to create the Reapers. Maybe they keep more Reapers with them? I don't know. What makes anyone think this is over?"  
"Hope, Shepard. Hope."  
Gaz remained silent.  
  
"We could all linger on the fact that so many have died. That everything we have built is destroyed. That the threat you speak of may come back at any time. But we don't, Shepard. Look around at everyone's faces. Everyone has lost everything and we're all trying to heal, Shepard," her voice rising, "Put the past behind you and try to move on."  
  
Gaz held Liara's deep blue gaze for a moment, before standing up, her face blank, "I'm running late - I should go."  
"Late for what, Shepard?"  
"Three of my four limbs are cybernetic now. I go to physical therapy," Gaz held an even tone as Liara's expression notably changed to pity.  
"I'm sorry. I didn't-"  
Shepard slid her crutches from under the table, "I'll see you around, Liara."  
-  
  
"Flight Lieutenant."  
Joker glanced over his shoulder at the man who had taken over Gaz's post upon the Normandy. Major Eric Barber. He had worked closely with Anderson on Earth during the fight against the Reapers.  
"Afternoon, Major," Joker greeted, leaning back to face his controls. EDI remained silent beside him – her robotic eyes glued to her own controls.  
"ETA?"  
"Uh...about ten minutes, sir," the pilot reported, as the man approached his side.  
"Hurt yourself, Moreau?"  
"I'm fine, sir."  
"Then why do you have a sling around your shoulder?"  
"I thought it went well with my outfit," Joker continued to stare straight forward at the holographic display before him.  
"Is it from your uh...handicap?"  
"It's called Vrolik's Syndrome. And I'm fine. It won't hurt my ability to fly her."  
"Her, meaning the Normandy?"  
"No. Her, meaning I'm going to strap some rockets to EDI's body and shoot her out the airlock."  
"That does not sound enjoyable, Jeff."  
  
"Ha...at least you've got your humor still," the Major remarked, clapping Joker on his injured shoulder. The pilot's eyes closed as he gritted his teeth – attempting to not react to the rather uncaring grab to his broken bones.  
"You are hurting Jeff, Major Eric Barber."  
"I'm...fine...EDI..." Joker said in the most stable voice he could muster.  
"See? He's fine and has kept telling me he's fine, therefore I can't be hurting him. Right, Flight Lieutenant?"  
  
His grip increased upon Joker's broken shoulder. The pilot's jaw clenched, as he fought the tears that were welling up in his eyes.  
"Major. Stop. You are hurting him."  
"So he lied then? He's not fine?"  
"God...no...stop...please..." Joker breathed, causing the Major to release his shoulder.  
"Then why did you lie to me, Moreau?"  
"I'm sorry, sir, it won't happen again," his words strained.  
"But why did you lie to me Moreau?"  
"Because, sir, it's an injury that won't inhibit my ability to fly."  
"You have no authority to dictate what I do and do not know, Moreau. Do not let it happen again."  
  
Joker gritted his teeth, as the man exited the bridge.  
"Jeff, are you okay?" EDI asked in an impressively human manner.  
Joker remained silent, his eyes closed.  
"Jeff?"  
"What, EDI?" the pilot asked – voice quiet.  
"Are you okay, Jeff?"  
"No."  
"Is there anything I can do to assist you, Jeff?"  
"Did," he took a deep, controlled breath, "...did you record that? Or have it in your records?"  
"I do, Jeff. Would you like me to send it to Hackett explaining the situation?"  
"Please. Just...leave out how I broke my shoulder, EDI."  
"I do respect your privacy, Jeff."  
"Then send the message and get that bastard fired."  
"Of course, Jeff. Sending the message now."  
  
"He wasn't always like that, you know."  
Joker glanced over his shoulder, as Traynor leaned against the back wall of the bridge.  
"Did you-?"  
"I saw," Samantha nodded, crossing her arms – her dark eyes dropping to her uniform shoes, "I knew him before..." she motioned around her, "The world went to – excuse my French – shit."  
  
"That was not in French, Traynor," EDI reported, turning her chair to face the woman.  
"It's an expression. But...he's not a bad man, Joker."  
"I'm sorry...but he just squeezed my broken shoulder, Sam," the pilot's voice a bit more aggressive than he meant it to be, "If that doesn't go under the category of 'bad man,' then I'm honestly afraid of what does," he shook his head, "Hitler kicking kittens, maybe..." he added in an undertone.  
  
"Barber lost everything, Joker. He had a wife and child on Earth. He had a mother and father on the Citadel. A few siblings that were all on ships that were destroyed. The Major has...nothing now. So he clings to his job."  
  
"Well boo-fucking-hoo for him," Joker's eyes narrowing, "Let's all give the special snowflake a round of applause for not getting over anything ever."  
"Joker..." Traynor's voice scolding, as her brows lowered in annoyance.  
"You want to know what happened to me? I sat here and listened to most of the crew cry their fucking eyes out about every damn thing that happened in the war. And you know what? I sat here and never complained once. I kept Shepard on her feet, and Liara from going all biotic on everyone's asses. I told jokes with Garrus and kept Tali company."  
"So what if you helped people?" Sam's voice irritated.  
"I had a family too, Sam. And didn't complain once. All I did was ask Liara for some updates about..." Joker took a deep breath, "The shuttles that got off the planet," he scratched his neck.  
"Did...they escape?" Traynor studied his face.  
"Gunny...er...Hilary, my sister did. But she got shot by an asari protecting people from a Banshee."  
"I...oh my god Joker."  
"So if Barber wants to get his thong in bunch because he lost his family, he can kindly suck my dick."  
"Did anyone make it?"  
"What?"  
"Your family...did no one make it?"  
"No. They're all dead, Sam. But do you see me biting peoples' heads off because of it?"  
"Yes."  
Joker held her gaze, as his face flushed slightly in the realization of what had just occurred. Dropping his eyes to the ground, he pulled at his hat slightly, "At least I'm not causing cripples to nearly black out in pain," he mumbled, turning his attention back to the controls.  
"Barber nearly caused you to black out?"  
"Let's just get back to work, Sam."  
  
–  
  
"Shepard didn't want to come, Joker?" Gabby asked, lifting her bright-purple drink to her mouth.  
The pilot shrugged, before wincing.  
"Shame. I haven't seen her since she stopped bein' a vegetable," Donnelly remarked, glancing over at EDI, who was quietly watching the other attendees of the bar.  
"I heard there was something weird on the bridge today with you and Barber," Gabby commented, eyes locked on to Joker.  
"The Major inflicted pressure upon Joker's broken shoulder for not informing the Major about the injury, as well as 'punishment' for Joker 'lying' and saying that he was fine," EDI reported, causing Joker to frown slightly and take a rather long drink of his blue liquor.  
"That bastard has been bad news from the start," Kenneth frowned, shaking his head, "Hey Gabby – did you invite Traynor?"  
"No I didn't, Kenneth."  
"Why? I want you two to get drunk near each other."  
"For the hundredth time, Kenneth. I'm not a lesbian."  
"But think of all the sexy things you two could do together."  
"I like men, Kenneth."  
"Really? Well the entire time I've known you I've never seen you with..." Donnelly frowned, as Gabby took a rather long drink.  
"Don't look too much into it, Kenneth. You'll give yourself an aneurism."  
Joker stared at this two friends for a moment in mild disbelief, before he refocused on his drink. Normally the pilot did not drink to get drunk, but on this day it was quite tempting.  
  
–  
  
Gaz pulled the blankets tightly around her body, as her eyes glanced over the ever-changing extra-net pages upon her omni-tool. She had turned Joker's offer down, since physical therapy had left her worn out, and she wanted to catch up on the events she missed over the past year.  
As Steve crawled under the blankets with her, Gaz's omni-tool alerted her to a new message.  
  
"Doesn't a bite to eat sound good, Shepard? I'll find you there.  
-SENDER BLOCKED."  
  
Gaz narrowed her eyes at the message, "What the hell?" she whispered, half-wondering if it was Joker playing a game with her.  
  
"Bite of what?  
-Gaz."  
  
"Your choice. I'll meet you there.  
-SENDER BLOCKED."  
  
"How will you know where I go if I don't tell you?  
-Gaz."  
  
"I have my ways, Shepard.  
-SENDER BLOCKED."  
  
The final message sent a chill down Gaz's spine. The speech mannerism sounded so...familiar. Hauntingly so. But she couldn't put a finger on why.  
"Is this a trap?" she asked Steve, as the cat nuzzled her face and purred.  
  
-  
  
"Ooohh!" the table jeered, as Gabby threw the fourth olive straight into Kenneth's mouth.  
"Your eye-mouth coordination is slightly greater than that of the average human, Donnelly," EDI added, appearing amused in a somewhat human way.  
  
"Please, EDI, just call me Ken," he smirked, as he motioned for the bartender to bring them another round.  
"More?" Gabby asked, as a round of drinks was placed on the table.  
"No, Gabby, these are all for me!" Kenneth laughed, as Joker shook his head and smiled.  
"Wouldn't surprise me," she frowned, shaking her head.  
"I am not an alcoholic!"  
"Of course not, Kenneth."  
"You're just agreeing with me because you think I'm drunk."  
"It's called 'humoring you,' dumbass."  
"I am not drunk."  
"I never called you drunk."  
"Everyone at the table has a high enough blood-alcohol level to be considered what you would classify as 'drunk,'" EDI added, causing everyone to glance in her direction.  
"How...how do you see into our blood, EDI?" Donnelly asked, eyes wide in amazement.  
"Probes," Joker contributed, making slight motions with his hands.  
"My studies have shown that replying with a sexually explicit comment, would be appropriate in this scenario," EDI nodded, as Donnelly poured a good portion of his new glass onto his shirt.   
  
"Good aim. I think I'll avoid the step where you piss on my floor," Joker commented, frowning.  
"My hand movements and my little Donnelly movements are not one and the same, Joker" Kenneth nodded, before winking over at Gabby. Her face instantly turned a light shade of pink.  
  
-  
  
Gaz slid her crutches under the table at a small restaurant that was only open for dinner. Her eyes glanced over the small crowd that somewhat clogged the tiny space. No faces looked familiar or suspicious so far.  
Hidden within the inside pocket of her spacious jacket, Shepard held a pistol. Nearly two years ago, that very pistol had made a rather painful hole within Kaidan's stomach only a few miles from where she was currently sitting. Joker still normally carried the pistol on his person – but he had left it at his apartment on that night.  
  
Idly, she thumbed the back of the weapon as she continued to scan the room. It was a very public place – which was both a good and bad thing. Crowds were loud and confusing – allowing things to fall through the cracks. They were also safer than a dark alleyway.  
A man placed himself on the opposite side of the table from Gaz. Even through the dark brown contacts and casual attire, she could see through the disguise.  
"Really?" her voice flat, "You?"  
"We have a common problem," the man crossed his hands on the table, his voice soft.  
"Being alive? And where's your cigarette and brandy?"  
"I think you know what I mean. And it's bourbon, not brandy."  
"I really don't. Why shouldn't I kill you right now?"  
"Because we need each other."  
"I honestly fail to see that."  
"We're both indoctrinated, Shepard."  
  
Gaz felt a cold sting slide down the back of her neck.  
"Do you think this was all an accident? That this wasn't their plan all along?" the Illusive Man continued, gesturing slightly as he spoke.  
"I'm not-"  
"You said it yourself. The threat isn't gone, Shepard."  
"How-"  
"Think about what I said, Shepard."  
A sudden sting shot up and down her stomach, under the table. Her eyes widened in fear as she opened her mouth to speak. Her vision began to blur and darken as the Illusive Man held up a single finger.  
"Shhh..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "But Joker told Shepard that his family was okay and his dad was just not doing so well!"  
> Well - he lied. He hates bringing attention to himself - and hates pity even more. When talking to Sam, he was bursting with adrenaline and other fun natural body drugs, making the truth come to his lips. Also - I LOVE GETTING EVERYONE DRUNK AND HAVING EDI WITH THEM IT IS SO MUCH FUN.  
> Also-also - OH MY GOD HI ILLUSIVE MAN.  
> One last thing - Barber is mentally what I named the dark haired dude that was next to Anderson in the Mako shortly after Shepard hits Earth.  
> Yeah.


	8. Found

Loud music. Flashing lights. People grinding against each other. The air reeked of alcohol and sweat.  
Joker blinked and narrowed his eyes.  
  
'HowthefuckdidIgethere?' he wondered, eyes glancing over the dance floor he had managed to magically appear on. People bounced with the music - not paying any attention to the man with the sling around his shoulder. His eyes moved around the crowd, looking for someone he recognized.  
  
Joker spotted the back of Kenneth's head - causing to the pilot to relax a bit. As he headed in the direction of his crewmate, he noticed the man was moving in a strange way. Once he was a bit closer, he realized that Donnelly was heavily making out with...Gabby.  
  
Pausing in his steps, he scratched the back of his neck and turned around - seeking an exit from the land of sweat and low bass noises.  
Finding the bar again, Joker recognized EDI's metallic form sitting upon a bar stool beside a man who was appearing to chat her up.  
"EDI," Joker slurred, realizing how drunk he still was. The unshackled AI moved her eyes to him, and nodded in his direction.  
"Are you okay, Jeff?" she asked, causing the man she was speaking with, to awkwardly turn away.  
  
"I...what happened, EDI?"  
Standing, EDI guided Joker to sit down on the bar stool beside her.  
"What happened from what moment in time, Jeff? What is the last thing you remember?"  
"I...fuck...Ken pouring his drink on his shirt and hitting on Gabby?"  
"Since that moment in time, there was a bit more conversation where Ken was attempting to 'charm' Daniels in a sexual fashion. Then he suggested moving to the dance floor. You made a joke about breaking a leg."  
"Right."  
"Are you alright, Jeff?"  
"I just saw two of my friends making out...and I'm still really, really, drunk."  
"Would you like me to assist you home, Jeff?"  
"I..." Joker closed his eyes with his hand against his mouth, "Yes, please."  
  
-  
  
Gaz's eyes opened to Steve's perfectly circular eyes only inches away from her own.  
'Fucking weird nightmare...' she thought, scratching her cat behind the ears. As the cat purred happily, she heard something across the room. The woman froze, as the cat wove himself around her limbs.  
As the sound repeated, Gaz reached for the inside of her jacket and retrieved the pistol.  
Across the room, the bathroom door opened. The light was on for a moment, causing the figure to be in silhouette. She quickly studied the form - but before her sleepy mind could wrap any thoughts to the shape, the mysterious person turned the light off - throwing them both into a murky darkness. As her eyes adjusted to the dim light of the aquarium that Joker had kept alive, she saw the form limp towards her.  
"Please stop pointing my gun at me, Gaz" he whispered, flipping on the bedside lamp so he could see into his small closet beside it.  
  
"I...uh sorry. Marine reaction," she frowned, as Joker slipped his sweatshirt off. His motions were sloppy and somewhat shaky. Gaz's hazy mind reconnected the fact that he had gone to a bar with a few of the crew.  
  
"Are you alright?"  
"I've been better," he admitted, hanging up the jacket.  
"How drunk are you?"  
"I'm...not sure," he pondered, as he slid out of his pants and carefully threw them into the dirty-clothes-hamper at the bottom of his closet.  
"You were throwing up in the bathroom, huh?" Gaz frowned, as Joker closed his closet and carefully placed himself on the bed.  
"I admit to nothing," Joker sighed, as he pulled the sheets over himself.  
"You apparently brushed your teeth after though," she noted, as she lay back down beside him.  
"Of course I did," he smiled, leaning forward to peck her slightly on the lips, before wrapping his good arm around her. Gaz slid to rest her head carefully on his uninjured shoulder.  
"Goodnight, EDI," Joker mumbled, as he quickly passed out.  
Gaz sighed from his shoulder and whispered, "Close enough."  
  
-  
  
"You look like shit, Joker."  
"Good morning to you too, Sam," the pilot groaned over his cup of coffee in the small mess area.  
"Are you...are you hungover?"  
"Shhh...not so loud."  
"Because you don't want everyone to know, or because loud noises hurt?" Traynor smiled, as she toyed with her own coffee cup.  
"Shhhh..."  
"Arg...never again..." Gabby whispered, sitting next to Traynor across from Joker.  
"You too?"  
"I...I'm never drinking again..." she whispered, setting her head down on the table. Ken approached the table and sat beside Joker.  
"Mistakes were made last night...aye."  
"What is that supposed to mean, Kenneth?"  
"With the drinking, Gabs...with the drinking..."  
  
Daniels glared at Kenneth for a moment, causing Traynor to look between the two and back at Joker. The pilot mouthed the word, 'later,' before carefully consuming his coffee.  
Feeling an unpleasant wave hit his stomach, Joker frowned, resting his head on his good hand.  
  
"Joker...are you okay? I've been hungover before...but you just don't look so good."  
He groaned in response, before standing and heading straight for the bathroom.  
"Poor man..." he heard Traynor mumble behind him, as he turned the corner and entered the men's bathroom. Not wanting to give in to his own urges, he walked to the sink and threw cold water on his face. After taking a few deep and controlled breaths, he felt the wave of nausea pass.  
Just as he was feeling better, Major Eric Barber entered the bathroom.  
"Ah - I was looking for you Moreau."  
"Good morning, sir."  
"Don't feed me that bullshit," the man approached Joker at a threatening speed, "I know what you did. You bated me with your damn shoulder and now my head's on the chopping block."  
  
"I-"  
"Don't 'I' me, Helmsman!" the Major pinned Joker to the shower wall with his forearm against the man's neck in one swift movement.  
"If you so much as step out of line one more time - I will catch it. I will find it. I will report it. And you know what? I'll get you blacklisted from flying before you can even send another pathetic message to Hackett. Got it?"  
  
Joker attempted to nod, as his lack of oxygen began to make thinking hard.  
Barber released the pilot with a grunt and turned to leave. As the door opened for the Major to exit, Joker dropped to his knees in front of the toilet and heaved whatever was in his stomach.  
  
The Major paused and glanced over his shoulder at the pilot.  
"Pathetic worm."  
  
-  
  
Gaz's foot tapped repeatedly on the floor, as she silently sat on the 'guest' side of a rather large desk. Her mind uneasily raced, as she stared blankly forward at awards that coated the wall opposite to her.  
  
She glanced down at her omni-tool, annoyed that Liara still hadn't responded to her message.  
  
'Was it real?' the Commander idly wondered, having seen a small red puncture wound above her bellybutton as she got out of the shower earlier that day. If she really had met with the Illusive Man in the small dinner, then the dart full of sedatives would have roughly hit her in that location.  
But her omni-tool was clean - without a single trace of any of his messages. Out of habit, she glanced down at her omni-tool again.  
Still, no new messages were asking for her attention.  
Behind her, the door opened, causing Gaz to quickly snap to her feet - a salute touching her forehead.  
"Admiral."  
"At ease, Shepard," Hackett nodded, "Take a seat. We have a lot to discuss."  
Without hesitation, Shepard sat within her seat.  
"No crutches today, Shepard?"  
"No, sir."  
"Good to see your body is finally figuring out those new limbs," he laughed under his breath, "Now Shepard, I have something very important I wish to discuss with you."  
"Sir?"  
"When I assigned you to gather the galaxy's forces, I'm not sure what I expected. I honestly never figured you'd bring together the Krogan and Turians. The Quarians and Geth. You did what no diplomat has done before in history."  
"Thank you, sir."  
"Because of this, both I and the Council wish you to take Udina's place as humanity's chair on the Council."  
"Is there even a Council anymore, sir?"  
"Not in a traditional sense, no. But within the next few months, there's a galaxy-wide Summit."  
"What other races will be there, sir?"  
"All space-faring races."  
"Not just the Council ones?"  
"The Council has decided that due to recent events, every race should be present at the Summit."  
"I'm guessing the fact that every race contributed highly, has a part in this decision?"  
"I'd imagine so. But do you accept, Shepard?"  
Gaz remained silent for a moment, before frowning, "I'm not a politician. I'm a marine. That last Council member who followed that pattern resigned, sir."  
"You're not Anderson, Shepard. I know he was like a father to you. I'm aware of your history with him. But, dammit Shepard, you're not him."  
"Who has served as the Council member over the last year?"  
"I've been temporarily taking care of the basic duties - but the Council wants you."  
"Even though I have a history of hanging up on them...sir?" Gaz smiled.  
"Especially, since you have a history of hanging up on them. Shepard, will you accept?"  
The Commander glanced down at her fake legs and arm. Her mind pictured her arguments with the politicians during the Reaper invasion. How had she pulled that off? The impossible. Twice. Maybe this was her next step. Take a step back from explosions and guns, and just try to make everyone play nice.  
"I'll do it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I have a weakness for making Joker throw up? What is wrong with me?  
> Also - Barber you are an ass.


	9. unJokery

Gaz silently brushed her fingers against Joker's hat-free hair, as he rested his head upon her lap - his bright green eyes unfocused and glued to the ceiling. On his stomach, Steve loudly purred - Joker rhythmically petting the creature's back.  
Since the pilot had come back from the Normandy, he had been notably withdrawn. He had simply shrugged off any effort Gaz had made to make him talk about it - saying he was, "fine." When she had sat down on the bed to rest her somewhat functioning legs, Joker had decided to use her lap as a pillow, as she read his copy of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.  
"You okay?" he suddenly asked, as Gaz momentarily stared into space at her fish tank.  
"Uh..yeah. Long day."  
"Didn't you have a meeting with Hackett?"  
"Yeah."  
"Like...in real life. Not in magic hologram form?"  
"Yeah."  
"Haha. Awesome. I was starting to wonder if he was a VI or not. So what did Hackett want?"  
"We talked about Earth politics."  
  
Joker frowned from her lap, before glancing up at her, "Earth politics?"  
"He...made me the new Councilor for humanity."  
Joker's eyes narrowed in thought for a moment, "You putting up the gun for good?"  
"I honestly have no idea..." she shrugged, as her left hand's fingers gently drew circles upon Joker's temple, "But how was your day? You seem...unJokery."  
"What is - dare I ask - 'Jokery'?" he rose a brow.  
"Awkward, making fun of everything, sarcastic, smart ass..." Gaz listed, resting her book on her chest as she counted on her fingers.  
"Ah, good to know."  
"Not gonna talk about it, huh?"  
"No, Kelly."  
  
Both were silent for an uncomfortable moment.  
  
"You know, her being dead made that statement a bit awkward," Joker commented, narrowing his eyes in thought.  
"Just a tad."  
"But hey - awkward makes me more Jokery, so that can't be a bad thing, right?"  
Shepard shook her head, before sighing, "So how was your day?"  
"Hangover hit me a bit...hard."  
"Ouch."  
"Barber caught it too."  
"Barber?"  
"Uh...yeah. Major Barber. He's the asshole who's in charge of the Normandy now."  
"Oh. I can tell you love him."  
"With all my heart."  
"What'd he do when he realized you were hungover?"  
"Called me a pathetic worm."  
"How'd he catch you?"  
"Bathroom."  
Gaz frowned, before rubbing his head slightly harder.  
"Gah...stop giving me pity. We've all been that hung over."  
"Fine I'll give you intense shit and make you feel bad."  
"Sounds like a plan."  
  
-  
  
"I'm glad to see our last encounter did not spoil our friendship, Shepard," Liara smiled, as Shepard sat beside her in the memorial park that was behind the hospital, "I also heard that you may become the next human Councilor."  
"They just need to swear me in or whatever and I'm in," Gaz nodded, as she glanced over at Liara.  
"That's wonderful, Shepard. You deserve that position."  
"I'm not sure if that's an insult or not."  
"Are you unsure about accepting the position?"  
"Anderson did this too," she frowned, "I'm a marine. Not a politician."  
"Which makes you the best politician."  
Gaz simply shrugged, as Liara studied her.  
"Why did you ask me to come here, Gaz?"  
"I want to talk about my dream."  
Liara appeared a bit confused, "Of course, Shepard."  
The asari leaned towards Gaz as she recounted what she could remember of the nightmare. She spoke of the various bits of ships. Anderson and the Illusive Man. What she heard, saw, smelled, and sensed. Shepard even told of the very end of the dream, where she saw the Normandy crash and Joker, Kaidan, and Javik get off the ship on a forested planet.  
"That's...quite a vision, Shepard."  
"Yup."  
"What...are your thoughts on it?"  
"My thoughts? I think it was a fucking crazy dream. Chakwas thought it was my brain fighting off indoctrination."  
Liara studied Shepard, "Do you agree with her?"  
"I don't know."  
"May I...meld with your mind, Shepard? Perhaps getting some perspective with your own thoughts would help me, help you."  
"There are...children around, Liara," Gaz frowned, watching as a child played with a toy ship just next to the statue within the center of the park.  
"Really?" Liara glanced around, "Well, it can wait if you're uncomfortable letting me within your mind within public, Shepard. I just want to help."  
"Is it a fact that the Reapers' were trying to indoctrinate me?" Gaz suddenly asked, her eyes glued to the statue in the middle of the park.  
Liara studied Shepard's features for a moment, "Yes."  
"Did they win?"  
"Why would you think you're indoctrinated? They're gone."  
"How do we know I didn't lose the fight?"  
"Why do you think you didn't win?"  
"I..." images of the Illusive Man washed behind her eyes.  
'We're both indoctrinated, Shepard...'  
"Shepard? What is it? What aren't you telling me?"  
"Nothing. Just something that's been bothering me. I should get going."  
"But Shepard...wait-"  
"I'll see you around."  
  
-  
  
"You can't put that there, Kenneth."  
"That's not what you said last night, Gabs."  
Joker's right eye narrowed slightly, as he tried to ignore the intense innuendos that were flying between his two friends. He didn't mind the fact that they were together - he just didn't want to constantly be reminded that they have seen each other naked. Or had sex last night.  
"How are you doing, Joker? You've been quiet," Gabby questioned over their lunches within the mess area of the Normandy.  
The pilot toyed with the strap of his sling as he answered, "I'm fine. Just getting tired of doing errands with the Normandy. She's not built to take sandwiches to people in Ontario. She's meant for evading Collector beams and-"  
"I hear the original one didn't do so well with that," Donnelly shrugged as he bit into his sandwich.  
Joker stared at his friend for a moment - unblinking, "No, she didn't."  
"Kenneth that was rude," Daniels frowned, glancing over at the man.  
"How was it rude? It was merely an observation."  
"People died, Kenneth."  
"Including Shepard, right? But she got better!"  
"Kenneth."  
"What? Again - observations. Why is everyone lookin' at me like that?"  
  
Joker felt a wave of repressed memories and emotions slosh around the back of his mind.  
"I should get back to work," the pilot stated, as he carefully stood and exited the mess.  
"There are things you don't talk about in front of Joker, asshole," Gabby whispered as Joker slowed to overhear them around the corner.  
"What? The old Normandy? I thought he loved that ship."  
"His actions got Shepard killed. You know that. It's a touchy topic with him."  
"It's been years, Gabs. I thought he'd be over it."  
"Alright I'll somehow die in the next day thanks to your actions and we'll see how quickly you get over it."  
"No...don't do that."  
"Then don't be an ass to Joker."  
The pilot sighed and moved into the elevator. The doors parted to reveal Barber's chiseled face.  
  
"Good afternoon, sir," Joker greeted, as the doors locked them into a small space.  
"Why do they call you 'Joker', Moreau?"  
"Because I'm so damn funny, sir."  
Barber crossed his arms and glanced down at Joker. While the pilot was around 6'0", his naturally slumped over posture made him a bit closer to 5'10" on a good day. Barber, on the other hand, had perfect posture and stood around 6'3".  
"Why were you sick in the bathroom yesterday, Flight Lieutenant?"  
"It won't happen again, sir."  
"I know it won't happen again. But what caused it?"  
Confused at Barber's curiosity, Joker glanced up at his superior officer, "I was uh...really hung over, sir."  
The Major nodded and quickly exited the elevator as the doors parted. A bit caught off-guard by the entire encounter, Joker slowly walked towards the bridge and sat within his seat next to EDI.  
"Welcome back, Jeff."  
"Hey EDI...any idea why Barber was almost nice to me in the elevator?"  
A smile brushed the AI's lips, "I sent footage of what occurred in the bathroom yesterday to Alliance Command, Jeff."  
"You...watch in the bathroom?"  
"I have eyes everywhere, Jeff."  
"That's not creepy. Even Shepard's old cabin, EDI?"  
"Yes."  
"Oh," Joker's eyes widened in slight horror.  
"Major Barber's behavior has changed due to orders to attend anger management. His first meeting was this morning."  
"Ah. I imagine you did a lot of hacking to find this out?"  
"They would not just tell me this information, Jeff."  
"I feel as though I've taught you too well, to be human, EDI."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JOKER HAS REPRESSED SAD.


	10. Sight

A quiet swear pulled Joker from a somewhat light sleep. His green eyes scanned the murky darkness - picking up a silhouette beside the bed. A slight panic washed through him, as he realized Gaz was not beside him.  
  
"...Gaz?" he asked in a raspy and rather sleepy voice to both the room and the unrecognizable form beside the bed.  
"Go back to sleep," the form whispered.  
"Why...why are you awake? It's night. Nighttime is for sleeping."  
"Meeting today."  
"For the...the summit thing, right?"  
"Yup."  
"And it's at a what-the-shit early hour?"  
"Mhm. Can I switch the light on for a moment?"  
"Go for it."  
  
Joker closed his eyes to brace himself for the sudden bright light source. Once he was able to focus again, he watched as Gaz tidied herself in the mirror. For once, she wasn't wearing her normal relaxed civilian clothes - nor her Alliance uniform. Instead she was wearing...a dress. It was something similar to what he had seen female officials wear in the past - though the colors were a bit more muted than the others. Her auburn hair was pulled back into a loose bun - makeup done with more care than he had ever seen from the woman before.  
  
"Snazzy Gazzy," he smiled, pulled the blankets up to his chin, as Steve jumped onto the bed.  
Shepard smiled over at Joker, "Go back to sleep."  
"But...Shepard is out of uniform," he observed, as the cat crawled onto his stomach.  
"This is my new uniform," she mumbled in light disgust.  
"So...where are you hiding the gun?"  
"I'm not allowed to have a gun, Joker."  
"Inner thigh? Between your boobs? Shoved up your-"  
"Go back to sleep Joker."  
  
-  
  
"I just don't understand our need to meet in person," Shepard began, folding her hands neatly in her lap as she spoke. Her light brown eyes scanned the various holograms before her.  
"Ernest statement: it is a sign of trust for all races throughout the galaxy," the Elcor representative stated, as Gaz lowered her gaze to hide an irritated expression.  
"I understand the meaning behind it, but I disagree. It's too much of a liability," she replied, attempting to keep an even tone.  
  
"What are you worried of?" the asari Council member asked, appearing curious.  
"I know our species are 'at peace' with one another - but there are other risks."  
"What risks, Shepard?" the asari continued to question.  
Gaz was momentarily caught off-guard by the asari's use of her last name.  
"For instance - Cerberus. Whatever happened to the Illusive Man?"  
  
The holograms exchanged looks - causing an uncomfortable feeling to crawl through Gaz's stomach, forcing her to continue, "I know I've been gone for a majority of the time we've been rebuilding - but I've talked to Hackett. He's told me that no body was ever found of the Illusive Man. He could be literally waiting for this!"  
  
The representatives began muttering to each other, as Shepard glanced around the room. They thought she was insane.  
  
"Keelah..." the unmasked quarian mumbled, causing Gaz to instantly recognize her as Tali.  
"Illogical, there has been silence from both Cerberus and the Illusive Man since you invaded his base, Shepard," a salarian remarked in an annoyed tone.  
  
"This one finds the human to be delusional," the hanar representative stated.  
An anger rolled around just under Gaz's skin, causing her cheeks to redden slightly. Her hands balled into fists and she glared up at the hanar.  
"Shut up, you big, stupid, jellyfish!"  
  
"QUIET!" the asari shouted, causing the room to instantly fall quiet, "We are representing our species - let's all act like civilized adults!"  
  
Shepard glanced down at her uncomfortable shoes, feeling her cheeks grow even warmer. She was not cut out for this.  
  
-  
  
"Why do showers feel like perfect?" Joker asked the showerhead as water poured over him. Today he had the day off. His plans were simple: not fly the Normandy.  
Once clean and dressed, he returned to his PJs and lay back in bed - Steve joined, quickly seeking the opportunity to make himself comfortable. Pulling a small personal computer from the side table, he placed the item on his lap and began browsing the extranet with the cat purring happily beside him.  
Just as he began to relax, a knock came at the door. With a frustrated sigh, Joker slid the computer off his lap and gently pushed Steve off of him. Clad in green plaid pants and and gray shirt with an oddly drawn duck on it, he limped over to the door - scratching his injured shoulder gently.  
  
"What?" he asked as he opened the door, before his eyes focused on the blue woman standing just before him, "Liara?"  
"Good...afternoon Joker. I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?"  
"I...uh...hi."  
"Hi," she shifted awkwardly, "Is...Shepard around?"  
"She left in the morning to do Council-things, Liara," Joker nodded, realizing he hadn't put his hat on after his shower. This made him feel a bit naked in front of the asari.  
"Oh...well I apologize for intruding. I also...didn't know you lived with Shepard."  
"Technically, she lives with me. I let her move in after she woke up."  
"Right...so the rumors are true."  
"Rumors?"  
"I've had suspicions..."  
"About what?" Joker leaned in the doorframe with his good shoulder, as Steve mewled from the bed.  
"Certain relations between you and the Commander."  
"Relations, you say?"  
"How long?" Liara crossed her arms, as the cat continued to ask for attention.  
"About seven inches."  
"I...wait...what?"  
  
Joker let a wide smile spread across his features, as Liara's eyes widened with the sudden realization, "Joker!"  
"What?"  
"That's...I...uh..." Liara placed her fingers against her forehead in annoyance as Joker laughed under his breath.  
"Now that I've made you feel as uncomfortable and awkward as I possibly could, can I get you anything?"  
"I think I may just leave and send Shepard a message later," her voice sharp.  
"Hungry? I could make you some food. I promise I'll play nice."  
Liara frowned, before sighing, "Don't make me regret this, Joker."  
  
The asari slowly walked into the apartment - her bright blue eyes scanning nearly every surface. She jumped slightly as Steve investigated her.  
"Who's cat is this?" she asked, sitting at the small dining table.  
"Gaz's."  
"I only see one bed," Liara offhandedly commented, as Joker explored the fridge.  
"I'm so proud you learned how to count, Liara!"  
She sighed in response, before shaking her head, "So, how have you been?"  
"Flying the Normandy still - but you already knew that."  
"Why do you say that?"  
"Because you're the Shadow Brokerl."  
"Information is harder to come by now that our technology has taken a downturn."  
"But you already knew that."  
"Yes, I did."  
"How are you then?" Joker toasted some bread as he spoke.  
"Managing. This rebuilding hasn't been easy on any of us."  
Joker placed his work on a plate and slid the food in front of Liara, "I present a BLT."  
"Thank you, Joker," Liara examined the sandwich with mild surprise, "If you don't mind me asking," she continued as Joker sat across from her with his own sandwich, "How is Shepard? I had a conversation with her not that long ago...and it was quite...worrisome."  
"Wait, what?" Joker's eyes studied Liara, "What's...wrong?"  
"I...I don't wish to ruin her trust," Liara leaned back in her seat away from Joker - eyes dropping to the table.  
"If there's something wrong with her...I want to know," Joker licked his lips as he watched Liara reason with herself.  
"She...is paranoid."  
"About what?"  
"Everything. She thinks she's indoctrinated as a start."  
"What?"  
"She...has delusions about the Illusive Man. The fact that his body hasn't been found bothers her more than it should. She somewhat expects him to jump out from around a corner and kill her."  
"Why?"  
  
-  
  
Gaz pulled her hair out of a bun as she walked away from the meeting room. Adrenaline coursed through her veins. She wasn't a politician for good reason...considering they were all idiots. Even Tali had looked down at her warnings.  
  
"They ignore me about the Reapers...then everyone gets fucked. They ignore me about this-"  
Shepard paused in her steps - her heart pounding in her chest. Through the large glass window in front of her, she could see a man sitting at a table. He was holding a data-pad and pouring over the contents. A cigarette rested between his fingers - and a small glass of some brown liquid sat on the table. He glanced up at her - revealing bright unnatural eyes. Gaz took a step back, crashing into a man who was walking past.  
"Hey! Watch it!" he called at her, as he pushed her away.  
"Oh sorry-"  
As she refocused on the man at the table, she felt a chill run down her spine. A woman and her family were sitting there. Shaking her head, Shepard continued walking.  
  
-  
  
"I don't know. She wouldn't tell me everything. Something is going on in Gaz's head - and it scares me."  
Joker bit his lip, and pushed his plate away, "How did I miss this?"  
"She was clearly trying to keep you not involved - which I understand."  
"No - you don't get it, Liara. She didn't tell me about any of this!"  
"I'm sure she just didn't want to worry you..."  
"Liara I know I've been dancing around the question, but Shepard and I have been involved for a few years now. Well - there was that year gap where she was in a coma. But...it's been awhile. I know Gaz. Well. Me not knowing any of this...bothers me."  
"She didn't want to worry you, Joker," Liara reached out a hand - gently placing it on his hand. The pilot flinched - not used to people making any sort of physical contact with him - other than Gaz.  
"But she could talk to me about this. I can help. I'm a good listener. At least I could make her laugh about it..."  
"Joker..."  
"What?" his voice slightly aggressive.  
"Calm down."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is Shepard crazy or is the Illusive Man really around?  
> DUN DUN DUNNNN.  
> Also can I just write Joker and Liara forever? Please?


	11. Break

Gaz opened the door to the apartment, glad the day was over. Inside she saw Joker sitting with the cat, watching entertaining vids on the extranet.  
"Welcome home," he greeted, not looking up from the computer.  
"Busy day?" she teased, sliding off her dress as she entered the apartment. Joker's eyes lifted above the computer.  
"I...uh...boobs."  
Gaz slid her hands over the cups of her bra and squished them together, before picking her dress off the floor and wandered over to her closet.  
"So you boobed all day?" Gaz asked, putting her dress away.  
"I...uh...no. I actually saw Liara today."  
Gaz slowed her movements as she dug through her closet, "Oh, really?"  
"Yeah - but how was your meeting?"  
Shepard relaxed, as she slid on a tank top and a pair of comfortable PJ pants, "Stressful. I am not meant for this shit."  
"Aw - I'm sorry."  
"I called the hanar representative a, 'big, stupid, jellyfish.'"  
"I may be mistaken - but I believe that's the third time you've called a hanar that."  
"Right...you got my audio feed on the bridge."  
"Yep."  
"Awesome."  
"Other than that, how did it go?"  
"They're...not listening to reason. They think since everyone got fucked, that we're somehow all one big happy family and there's no risk by doing anything ever."  
"Then the Reapers come and eat their firstborns."  
"Pretty much."  
"They should learn by now - even if Shepard sounds insane - she's always right."  
"Thank...you? I think?"  
"I'm saying you're always right. Take the compliment."  
"Alright. So you just hung around here all day?"  
"And Liara stopped by. Not sure if I mentioned that."  
"You did. What did she want?"  
"Technically to see you. Awkward, since she didn't know we were together."  
"Oh shit. Sorry."  
"It's fine. I don't think it's that illegal anymore since you're all Council-member-like and I'm just some delivery boy."  
Gaz sat next to him on the bed, "Hey - you're not some delivery boy," she cupped his face, "You're the best damned pilot in the Alliance Fleet."  
"Who takes sandwiches to homeless people."  
"I'm an N7 who wears a dress now, and talks for a living."  
"Point taken."  
"Is something bothering you?" Gaz asked, as Joker's eyes kept returning to his screen.  
"Nah I'm fine," he sighed, setting the computer aside, "Just worried about you."  
"Me?"  
"No, I'm talking to the cat."  
"I figured. He does seem quite troubled."  
Joker scratched Steve's belly, causing the cat to purr happily, as Gaz leaned forward and kissed the pilot gently on the forehead.  
"So why are you worried about me?"  
  
Joker shrugged lightly, before returning his attention to the cat, "Not you - the cat."  
"Right. So what has you worried about Steve?"  
"He's under a lot new stress recently."  
"Is he now?"  
"Yeah. And his lack of talking about it has me worried."  
"Cats can talk?"  
"Steve is magical."  
"Of course."  
"See why I'm worried about...Steve?"  
"Maybe Steve just doesn't want to worry you."  
"But maybe I could help if I was just told about the problems."  
"This is the weirdest conversation I've had in awhile," Gaz admitted, sliding her fingers between Joker's as she gently leaned on him.  
  
"Yeah. We're using the cat in ways that he should never be used."  
"Never say that sentence ever again."  
"Hopefully I won't have to."  
Gaz smiled and glanced straight into Joker's eyes, before kissing him gently.  
"Mm...what was that for?" he asked, as she lay back on the bed, sliding down to rest her head on the pillow behind her.  
"That's called a 'kiss' Joker. They happen sometimes."  
"Right. Then what's this called?" he asked, raising his hand to squeeze her chest lightly.  
"That's called groping," she nodded, as he leaned down and kissed her neck, "Weren't we having a deep and meaningful conversation a moment ago?" she asked, as his mouth moved from her neck to her ear.  
  
"Yeah, but it's not going to go anywhere," he replied, "Because you don't open up unless you're completely relaxed or about to break from stress," he smiled, backing off for a moment to stare her in the eye as he spoke.  
"So you plan is to relax me?" she smiled, sliding her hand down the front of his PJ pants. Joker's eyes widened at her touch.  
"That can be arranged," he gasped, as Gaz pulled him gently on top of her. Their lips met with a hunger that caught Gaz a bit off-guard. Since Joker had messed up his shoulder, their intimate moments had been more...delicate. Slower. More careful. Now, however, she didn't feel that at all. There was just a really well-balanced man on top of her, who very clearly wanted nothing more than to rip her pants off and have his way with her. But in the romantic sort of way, of course.  
  
Joker leaned back for a moment and cupped her face, "I love you."  
Maybe it was the light. Maybe it was the odd tone of his voice. Maybe it was the expression on his face.  
But Gaz did not see Joker.  
She saw Kaidan.  
Shepard froze, causing Joker to lean his head to the side.  
"Gaz...?"  
"I...have to go to the bathroom..." she whispered, quickly sliding out from under Joker and headed off behind the only space she could hide within the apartment.  
Joker frowned, leaning on his only good elbow as he watched the door close.  
"I...I'm sorry?" he asked, shaking his head.  
  
Inside the bathroom, Gaz threw cold water on her face, before staring at her reflection in the mirror. She was hardly recognizable from the Commander she once was. Her arms were less toned. Skin more pale. And her hair...it was long. Oh - and she was losing her fucking mind. Shepard was aware that it was not Kaidan on top of her out there, but seeing him still rattled her.  
After a moment, a knock came at the door. Gaz winced, "Come...in."  
"Are you okay?" Joker asked, remaining in the doorway - his eyes filled with concern.  
"Yeah...I guess."  
"Did I do something wrong?" he asked, leaning on the doorframe with his good shoulder.  
"No...no, it's not you."  
"Is this that thing that you're not telling me about?"  
"I..." she sighed, "Can we just sleep?"  
"No...no we can't. I'm sorry Gaz but I just had you run out of the room while we were...doing things. I want to know what's up."  
"I...felt sick."  
"Glad I bring that out in you."  
"No! I didn't mean it like that.”  
"Then tell me Gaz! Why are you keeping this from me?"  
"Because..." she leaned over the sink - placing one hand on either side of the basin, as she stared up at her own reflection, "I'm not even sure what I'm hiding."  
  
Joker narrowed his eyes, but remained silent.  
"While I was in a coma, I had some really fucked up dreams."  
The pilot bit his bottom lip as she spoke - studying her.  
"Now that I'm awake I've had some pretty fucked up dreams too."  
"Okay..."  
"Can we please just get some sleep?"  
"No."  
  
Gaz closed her eyes in irritation.  
"Liara told me you were basically losing your shit."  
"I am."  
"Why?"  
"I had a...dream...I think, of the Illusive Man telling me I was indoctrinated."  
"You're not sure you had the dream?"  
"I'm not sure it was a dream."  
"So you randomly hung out with the Illusive Asshole and didn't think that was important information to share?"  
"I thought it was a dream."  
"But you're not sure."  
"Because there was a mark on my stomach from where he sedated me."  
"I..." Joker's jaw notably tightened, "Dammit Gaz..."  
"I'm...worried. I feel like he's about to attack. Or the Reapers aren't gone. Or something. I can't relax. Something is going to happen, Joker. I can feel it."  
"Don't keep shit like this from me. I can help."  
  
Gaz turned toward Joker, a notable fire in her eye, "How? How can you help?"  
This caused the pilot to take a step back. He had seen that fire in her eye before - but that was from a distance and watching her take out Cerberus.  
"I..."  
"Stop pretending, Joker."  
"Pretending what? That I love you and want to help you?"  
"That you can help."  
"Is this...is this because of my disease?" his cheeks grew hot, eyes appearing a bit glassier than normal.  
"Joker-"  
"Fuck you."  
"I-"  
"No. Fuck you," he backed out of the bathroom, leaving Gaz alone with the slightly buzzing lamp above her head, and a little piece of mold, just to the left of the drain in the sink. Hearing the sliding of drawers, she slowly exited the bathroom. By the closet, Joker was pulling a few items of clothing out and throwing them into a bag - his hat now present upon his messy brown hair, and jeans covering his legs.  
"Joker, stop," Gaz called, as the pilot began moving faster.  
"Stop," she repeated, closing the gap between them, as he turned around. He refused to meet her gaze, "If anyone's leaving, it's me. This is your place."  
"Yeah, but I have friends and you don't."  
With that, Joker walked past her and grabbed his toothbrush, before exiting the apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHY DID I WRITE THAT.  
> BAD FINGERS.  
> BAD.  
> (cries)


	12. Boom

Gaz gave a polite nod to the hanar representative, as he undulated by. From across the room, she spotted Tali and Garrus talking. A slight smile pulled at her lips, as she remembered walking in on them before they hit earth.  
"Been awhile," she greeted, arriving at their side.  
  
"Shepard!" Tali smiled - causing Gaz to pause. Seeing Tali's facial expressions was something she just couldn't get used to.  
"Good to see you Shepard," Garrus gave her a nod.  
"Who knew we'd end up representing our races," Tali pondered, shaking her helmet-free head.  
"We're all politicians now. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not," the turian sighed, looking around, "I'm a soldier, yet here I am talking for a living. We should just turn off our translators and see what happens."  
  
"What happened to the Primarch?"  
"Died in the battle," Garrus shook his head, "So you're looking at the new one."  
"Damn."  
"Yeah. Not exactly my choice, either."  
"Couldn't you say no?" Gaz narrowed her eyes slightly.  
"Not with your entire race screaming for you to take it."  
"Impressive."  
"We should probably take our seats," Tali gestured to the meeting room, "I'd prefer to not be late."  
  
Gaz followed them into the rather large meeting room. It was a very sterile look place. White walls and ceiling. A large table arced its way halfway across the room - facing towards a wall-to-ceiling window that covered the entirety of that side of the room. Many of the representatives were already sitting in their respective seats - which were labeled by a small identification card that sat on the large desk by each chair. The meeting was being held in a space-station that was roughly where the Citadel used to be. It had taken quite some time for everyone to arrive - especially with the limited resources each species had at their disposal. The Normandy had escorted Gaz.  
  
It had only been a few days after her falling-out with Joker - making the journey uncomfortable. What made it even stranger for Shepard was the new man-in-charge - Eric Barber. He now slept in her bed, in her room, doing her job. Gaz had a special 'VIP' room that had been added at some point.  
After the first few nights, Joker came to her door and brought her some food he had made out of the resources available. They talked about nothing in particular for awhile, before Gaz broke into a long-winded apology. The pilot had remained silent for awhile, before taking her hand. Since then, they had been slowly rebuilding what they had before.  
As Gaz took her seat, she idly thumbed the necklace Joker had given her for luck before the meeting. It was of a small Mass Effect Relay, that was cast out of the same material that the original Relays were made out of.  
  
The asari representative and Council member approached the center of the room - her back to the large window, as she lifted her hands above her head and began welcoming everyone to the summit.  
  
"I wonder how many times she practiced that in front of a mirror," Garrus whispered to Shepard, causing the woman to roll in her lips in amusement. This was going to be a long day.  
  
-  
  
Joker hummed slightly under his breath, as he and EDI patrolled around the space station. Even with all the races insisting that they would be safe, security was still high. Since the Normandy was the best equipped ship that existed in the galaxy, it was the frontrunner for helping guard the summit.  
"Jeff, I am having difficulty establishing connection to the comm buoy."  
"That's weird. EDI, seeing anything else out of the ordinary?"  
"There seems to be an odd energy reading, Jeff."  
"That...is...as vague as possible, EDI."  
"My information is vague, Jeff."  
"Let me check with the other ships, EDI," Joker typed a bit, "Hey guys - getting any weird readings over there?" Joker asked the turian vessel that was assisting the guarding job.  
"We are having difficulty reading the comm buoy, Normandy."  
"Same. Could it just be glitching out for a bit?"  
"Do comm buoys do that?"  
"I'm honestly not sure. EDI?"  
"It is possible but at a low percentile, Jeff."  
"Right - you heard the lady. Probably just a glitch, but keep an eye on it, alright?"  
  
-  
  
"I want an alien to burst out of her chest and kill everyone," Gaz whispered to Garrus, as the meeting continued.  
"Ahaha. Quiet Shepard, or they'll arrest you."  
"I think I'd be accomplishing more than in here."  
The asari paused in her speech, jolting forward slightly - her eyes widening in what appeared to be fear. She fell forward gracefully, hitting the ground with a soft thump. For a moment, the room was silent.  
Then everything went to hell.  
Shepard and Garrus flipped the table they were sitting at - before each pulling a weapon out of a secret places on their respective clothing.  
"What the hell is going on?" Garrus asked, over the screams.  
"I don't know...who's the enemy?"  
Garrus glanced over the table and shook his head, "Not sure. I can't see anyone who wasn't already here."  
Gaz took a deep breath, before glancing over at the turian, "Get Tali. I'll figure out what's causing the problem."  
"I can help, Shepard."  
"Go."  
"We're getting a distress signal from the summit," EDI reported, as the Major walked onto the bridge.  
"What seems to be the problem?" he asked, as Joker glanced over his shoulder.  
"Uh...not sure, sir."  
"Not sure?"  
"Nothing came into contact with the..."  
"The what, Helmsman?"  
"Oh...no-no-no-no."  
  
-  
  
Ripping the bottom of her dress, Gaz dove-roll out from behind cover. Pressing her back against a different overturned table, she quickly peered out from behind her new cover - weapon at the ready.  
Gaz froze as she aimed her weapon at the source of the fire.  
"Kaidan?"  
The man narrowed his eyes at her, appearing confused.  
  
Boom.  
  
Shepard gasped, dropping down behind cover - her hand pressing against the new wound in her stomach. Shaking her head, she swore and glanced around the table once more. Whoever had been there before had already left.  
Panic shot through her mind, distorting her logical thought for a moment, before she took a deep breath and forced herself to her feet. She moved as quickly as she could through the pain - moving towards where her shooter had disappeared to. Arriving at the door, Gaz quickly swung in - ignoring the pain in order to stop whoever was behind this.  
  
"You!" she snarled, as the Illusive Man greeted her with a relaxed smile, and a puff of smoke. Without hesitation, she fired.  
As the man reacted to the shot between the eyes, his face changed. The glowing inhuman eyes became a dull blue color. Hair grayed into that of an old man. His face became wrinkled. By the time the man she had shot hit the floor, Gaz felt a sense of horror flood her system.  
  
Admiral Hackett lay on the ground. A pool of blood created a halo around his head, as Gaz fell to her knees - arm pressing against the blood that was pouring from her wound.  
"No...no...No!" she chanted, as she glanced over her shoulder into the main room.  
She could now clearly see several people firing weapons. All of them were representatives...with glowing eyes.  
  
They were indoctrinated.  
  
And so was she.  
  
The space station rocked suddenly, causing Gaz to stare out of the window. The turian battlecruiser that had assisted the Normandy in guarding the summit was being vaporized by a red beam.  
  
A deafening deep cry, caused Gaz to cover her ears as husks began running through the summit floor.  
Her mind became jumbled and unable to process natural thought. She was their tool.  
As she sat in a pool of her own blood - mixed with Hackett's, she pressed the radio on her ear.  
  
"Joker."  
  
Her eyes filled with tears as she realized that there was no hope. She was a puppet for the Reapers and knew it. They forced her to kill Hackett. They could make her do anything at any time. She no longer had control. There was no 'cure' for indoctrination. Her mind had taken the side of the enemy - a process that was most likely started in her pursuit of Saren. It was slow. Careful. Done so she wouldn't notice them guiding her hand. Then they let the organics believe they had won, so they would drop their guard and do this. This was their plan the entire time. The virus that Kaidan died to release didn't work. The Reapers were still alive and were going to kill them all.  
  
"Gaz! I've been trying to get through to you! What the fuck is going on? Are you okay? Why are there like...Reapers blowing shit up."  
"Joker..." she located her pistol which lay on the floor, and ran her fingers over its smooth surface, as her other hand played with the Mass Effect Relay around her neck.  
Everything she had done. Everything she had fought for.  
It was for nothing.  
"Gaz? What's wrong?"  
"I love you."  
Boom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (cries forever)  
> Fun fact #1: After writing this, I can't play ME3 with this Shepard - even for DLC. She is dead to me - and not in a hateful way.  
> Fun fact #2: SHEPARD WORE A DRESS AND THE REAPERS WON. Sorry - this chapter is super emotional, but I just realized that throwback to the other fanfic, After. 
> 
> Also...feelings. I have them all.  
> As for what's next with this series of Gaz, I'm thinking of writing a 'while she's dead' fic, or what happens after this point.


End file.
